Nothing Proven

Waiting, anxious and excited! These opportunities don't happen often. Heart racing, baby turning...want to sleep...Praise rising..! This opportunity, where did it come from? Why? So random, so unexpected, so "whatever".

The 1 thing we're waiting for...the thing we want most...to own our dream home. Falling into our laps -- a show about finding your dream home. Well, a home...shopping for a home. ;) A humorous God, for sure!

Yes, I realize that I have grown increasingly impatient, waiting for my house to call my own... "why do I have to make this work?!" The question burning beneath the constant re-organizing self... "Why us of six, when families of less have 3 times that of ours..?!"

Questions unspoken...bubbling through attitudes.

But, ungrateful? Have I not proven myself blessed? Daily singing praise for the inches I do find...character collected throughout the narrow hallways?

All is given in Grace. ...How arrogant am I to expect more?! If this becomes a matter of "proving myself", then it turns into a matter of penance, good works.. No. The price has been payed, the debt erased. Nothing owed, nothing to prove!

I deserve nothing... I am given the Kingdom.
ALL OF THIS...! For me.

So what is this window looking into our dreams? Is this a passage way to that which we want inside? But you can't always get what you want..and breaking in is an offense, is it not?

But perhaps, a reminder of the hope inside... Waiting, knowing, that someday it will be released back to us... The day we are given the key, and directions to the front door.

Life Where I Am

Again, the blog has been set on the back burner. Considering I don't have much energy these days to even turn on my for real back burners (and feed my family!), I feel a little guilty for indulging in thoughtful computer time.... But it's quiet time with kids playing joyously on their still "new" bunk beds (therefore still exciting!), Baby happy, me too tired to sleep. So I sit, and I sort.

Lots going on, feeling overwhelmed. God is good.

I finished reading "One Thousand Gifts". Best book I've picked up in a long time. ..."A dare to live fully right where you are". Counting thanks, making home to joy...basically. Recording, declaring--seeing. Walking wide-eyed to beauty enveloping (much in line with my creative intentions for Garden Candy; and a deeper step, in response to my heart's cry...). So far, I am encouraged, and motivated towards change...and just excited that I finished a book!!

Here's what else has been going on with me....

I'm about 8 weeks into my 4th pregnancy, and the nausea has finally subsided. So grateful!

Hubby's finding his stride, and loving his job. Prayers answered!

Baby sleeping through days and nights. Rest for the weary!

Baby Girl's urology tests cleared, with no medical causes for her accidents... Frustration and confusion, mixed with relief. Patience still tested (more opportunity for growth..? teehee), and things could be much worse...and they aren't!

Huge work load, and lots of paintings ahead.... God providing inspiration and outlets!

Not a lot of energy for cooking, cleaning, or excellent wife-being.... So blessed with amazing support, encouraging and patient in my lack! God's answer for strength, living love unconditional. <3

Easter this weekend. Easter, and all it's glorious meaning!

Sister coming. Family! Empty voids filling, hardened hearts crumbling, joyful cousins screeching, rooms filling with beauty!

Hopefully, I'll be back here again soon. But in the meantime, I have some "pee-scented" (patience growing! ;]) rugs to clean, and a tired baby mouth to feed...as my tummy rumbles for yet another tasty hubby-made meal.

(And again, thank you for listening. =])

A Bad Day

Woke up, stomach turning...getting out of bed is the last thing I want to do. The weight of responsibility catches up to me once again, and I can't bear it. Body aches, forehead clammy-- I call in sick.

Not exactly.
Alarm sounds, baby cries, Baby Girl roaring at Little Man down the hall... I want to hide, and I do behind heavy eyelids. Hubby kicks in to overdrive, kids dressed, fed, Baby Girl off to school. Babe falls asleep on my pillow, tummy full, Little Man watching cartoons. I am thankful for these mornings, but not now, not today. A darkness holds me beneath the confines of my covers.

These days almost unrecognizable...becoming a thing of the past, yet one sneaks in every month or so. Hormones. They always get the better of me, and I squirm under their power in self-disgust. There have been many instances I've asked myself the annoying questions--do I need help? Probably most likely.. ;) Postpartum? I don't know. What is depression anyways? I've scanned the checklist, but the question "have you ever had suicidal thoughts?" brings me to a halt. Nope, can't be depression. I must just be overwhelmed and sleep deprived.

These days - these bad days - are they not more common then we let on? What I mean is, as Christian women, mothers, wives, are we really comfortable sharing these moments with those to whom we are acquainted? I'm certainly not. How can I be luminescent one day, and a black hole the next? This question burning in my self-conscious, sprouting responses of shame and guilt....

It'd be nice for you to think I had this life all figured out, but then you would have the wrong impression of me. What I really want is to know that when I don't, I can trust you to walk with me as we figure it out together. But yet I wonder if I am the only one in my circle who finds herself in these moments. Why don't we talk about our bad days as though they are just as real as our good? They most definitely are, and for some - more real, too real. And don't they need to be brought to light more so then the ordinary? Rather, we remain content to cram them deep, wrapped in shiny gift wrap, cookies, and bows...p.t.a.'s, lessons, and "busy".

As a Christian woman, how can you let those strongholds into your life? You're obviously not praying enough, you need to try harder... Just a few of the words I play through my head as I try to place my faith in this day...but who's words are these? Not God's, not yours, never words I would share with another! Why then, have I allowed them to become my own?

God, Your word says "I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.." Release these strongholds, these leaks of your Spirit from ours. Fill our hearts with your truth, pushing out the lies. Change our inner chemistry to bring peace from the inside out....

She Aint Got Rhythm

'Tis another morning home with the boys, and finally, my babe is back to somewhat sleeping after what seemed like a minor cold. You know that feeling, when there's nothing you can do but endure the pitiful tears? Poor guy. So happy to have him back. =]

I've been hearing about this book lately, and read the 1st chapter on-line, so after watching an interview with the author this week I thought I should give it a shot. You can find it here: One Thousand Gifts

Hubby called between meetings, so knowing that he will take any excuse to wander into a bookstore, I asked if he had some time. I love the guy -- he did it in 20 mins., and even said he put back the handful he found for himself. It's moments like these where I wish he had bought his own instead of mine. Amazing, this sacrificial love we receive.... Even in the trivial. Had I gone, I'd 'a been 2 hrs browsing, returning empty handed after acknowledging that I would indeed have to purchase the book at full retail price.

I'm only through the 2nd chapter so far, but it typically takes me half a year to finish a book--I start and stop so many times I'll have probably read it 3 times before I finish...and rarely do I ever finish anything, now that I mention it. ;] But, hopefully with my newly developing time management skills I will find my rhythm, a rhythm...any rhythm!

Although, I have to say -- even though it's been a "2 steps forward, 1 step back" kinda battle, I am beginning to feel liberated as I clear the corners of my home...slowly moving out items better served elsewhere. Still hard, letting go....

And as I work towards momentum, I see my priorities gradually evolve -- facebook gossip, traded for journaling, t.v. for reading, shopping for creating. And that's all fine and dandy, but it's not all about me... and this is where it's hardest, the letting go. As I struggle to reveal myself, I become imbalanced. Afraid to lose myself again, to lose all momentum in this journey of self-recovery.... Stuck in mom-pants, unable to enjoy nice things, just one mini-van lost in a sea of Caravans at the grocers.

But I have been blessed, and time is rushing...zooming! And for today, a choice to be made. A choice to accept my ink-stained furniture as markers of gratitude for the 2 little people who put them there. 2 little people who need me right now more then my desk ever will. And yes, I did just spill coffee on my chair.

Oh, irony.

But why does it have to be a choice, of me versus them? Why am I in constant turmoil over making right decisions, best decisions...for me, for my family...and are they not one in the same? Because. In the natural, it is all too much. I am incapable. I cannot do it. I seize control... I lose control. But God has me, "and God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us" (1 Jn 4:13)... and I am not controlled by my sinful nature, but by his Spirit. (Rom 8:9) His Spirit, my key to Love supernatural. Grace supernatural. Strength. Momentum. Rhythm.

Scrubbing the Bathroom (Part II)

I am always amazed by my kids’ eagerness to clean at my side, but as much fun as it is for them, I find myself getting frustrated with their added distraction from the task at hand! They are not just content to wipe the counter for me as I spray down the shower…oh no, they insist on being hip-to-hip, underfoot, and often leaving a drippy trail behind me! I get so focused on productivity that any distraction becomes a source of frustration …even if it is my darling daughter demanding my attention “Mom, you have to see this..! Mom, look! Mom, what’s that? Need more soap, Mom!! Mom, mom, mom….!” Well, reading this now, my heart melts at the beauty of her innocence, taking delight in her spirit…but in the moment, this is not my response!

Sometimes, I get too caught up in the minute details surrounding me, and the ugly circumstances I’m desperate to overcome, they are all I see. A multi-tasker I am not. And in my hyper-focused attempts at triumph, I deny myself the most beautiful gifts in my journey…companionship, help, relief, and joy. Life is intended as much more then mastery of calendars, budgets, and time…yet so often we find ourselves in these places of mere survival… And again I find myself needing a reminder that my kids aren’t there to produce a clean bathroom, but are my joy in the act of cleaning the bathroom.

A maid service would have been the efficient choice towards attaining a clean bathroom (and most assuredly mine!), but God’s seasons are not without reason. A maid could not have given me what my kids did in that moment. God sends people into our lives to act as his ambassadors, so instead of looking for him in the dust and grime between the grout lines, I need to stop and relax for a moment, and enjoy God for who he is in the people surrounding me.

As I relentlessly attempt to redeem myself, how many times will I deny the greater joy of living in God’s path? Who else has God sent into my life that I have thoughtlessly shrugged simply because they were “too distracting”? Who is purposefully placed in my path in this moment, that I choose not to acknowledge? And more importantly, what holds my focus, and is preventing me from seeing him?

I know I have been here before, and may find myself here again, but with the right attitude the power to change becomes more accessible with each visit...and without God's grace, impossible.

Scrubbing the Bathroom (Part I)

As I was scrubbing down my bathroom this afternoon, a few thoughts came to mind: First, I do not clean my bathroom nearly as often as I ought to! Secondly, I love that my kids want to help me, but why must they insist on being right there beside me, asking me for more soap after every swipe? Thirdly, how absolutely disgusting, and how did that get there?! …I certainly didn’t do it! And finally, how come I didn’t see that before -- Ewe?!

I had an epiphany. What an incredible metaphor for our lives.

This is a journey, and as we learn who we are, and meant to be, we discover new things…some good, some not-so.

Every time I entered the bathroom I would cringe at the thought of what might be lurking in the corners, waiting for me. The dust, the streaky mirror, and the bathtub ring were all a shameful reminder of the less then perfect state of my bathroom -- just as my temper, jealousy, and laziness display to my friends, my family, and myself the state of my heart.

…Never mind the stuff that can’t be seen.

And although I wait eagerly for it to magically disappear, I am told that without a little elbow grease and a good cleaner it’s not going away. Boo-urns. I can put it off for so long, but eventually the job becomes too big for a measly sponge and orange scented all-purpose spray…and it’s not long until I’m trying every concoction under the sink, the smell of bleach lingering in my nostrils for the duration of the week. Exhausted and annoyed that I had let it get to that point.

But instead of waiting for the magical scum fairies, getting disappointed at their neglect, why not change the tune of my prayer? I can spend a lot of time asking God to take away my temper, fill me up, show me the right path, and give me joy--but in order to sparkle, we must first scrub away the filth. So I roll up my sleeves, get on my knees, and reach for my cleanser….

“God, it is my desire to serve. To walk in your will. Show me, where am I dusty? What is hiding under the faucet…and dare I ask; the toilet? What can’t I see that is potentially harmful? Show me what is needed to make this tidy bathroom spotless, because the next time I enter, I do not want to be burdened by it. Sterilize all surfaces, so that I will sparkle from all angles! I release them to you…”

(to be continued...)