FINDING JOY IN THE JOURNEY

Confessions of a Procreant

2012-01-15T23:28:00.003-06:00

When my first born was 9mths old I had conceived baby #2. Exciting, and scary, as I'm sure you know. This pregnancy was filled with many lows, and uncontrollable emotions. Largely due to the fact that I couldn't handle my 4 year old puppy, and in making the decision to give him to another loving family I was burdened with inadequacies, questioning my abilities to handle a person... and getting out of bed was a struggle. When my little boy turned 2, I started to get a taste of wholeness, feeling my hormones start to balance out, hopeful for opportunities to explore my creativity. And after a few short months of painting again, I received the wonderful news of baby #3! Again, exciting and scary all rolled into one.

But sadly, again my hormones shot out of balance, and as I looked to the future I became filled with doubt and insecurity yet again...half a person, wanting to hide under the covers. And that is what I did. After he was born, Hubby rented me a cute little studio in a neglected downtown warehouse. So awesome, and a new step in my journey as I attempted to explore the artist in me! Yet, I found myself still very tired, and unmotivated to use the space after only a few weeks of painting again. And here enters baby #4. =] God's obscure timing with yet another beautiful gift! (Please understand that each and every one of these babies has been received with the greatest joy and love! We chose not to "plan" our family, because we knew God's plan was better than anything we could imagine. And although I did not always feel "ready", with each fear, we knew we would have to rely on God as our source of strength. )

I have always been blessed with healthy, low risk pregnancies, and although many women experience physical symptoms of nausea, I rarely did. Rather, I was beginning to pick up on a pattern of emotional and mental symptoms as I found myself again fighting a deeply saddened spirit. I was too tired to play with my older kids (enter Super Daddy...), too exhausted to cook and clean (...and Super Hubby!), and too sad to talk about it. Because I just had a baby, I was beginning to forget that the crazy, sad, manic, unmotivated and tired person I woke up as every morning was not who I really am.

If you consider the extraordinary work a woman’s body has to go through in the development of another little person, you may find yourself overwhelmed with the miracle of it all…and definitely understand why pregnancy is so taxing. I've spent the last 5 years of my life feeling like half of a person, wondering why I could never measure up to my own expectations. In the moments that I could focus on the science behind my physical lack, I found myself hopeful for the future of my family, and excited for the upcoming challenges that I could tackle as a mother of 4…but mostly I would just forget that there was another half of myself to be found at the end of the pregnancy, and doubt my capacity.

And now she is here, and I am so thankful for the 9 months of sacrifice that it took to get her here, but I am also happy to rediscover myself as a non-pregnant woman. And even though I still struggle to find the energy to do everything I want to, I am excited to have some control over my body again, rather than being controlled by it.

2012 is an exciting year for me, as I close a chapter of my life, and find the strength to step into another. =] I still feel doubt creep up as I learn to manage my emotions and stretch into new levels of confidence, but I am filled with hope as I wake up each morning refreshed, free from the dread that used to keep me in bed….

Thank you, Lord for this new hope, and for reviving the beautiful woman you created out of this tired body. I thank you for the peace you have instilled in my spirit. Thank you for giving me new confidence, a healthy body, and the tools to restoring a healthy mind. I pray your peace into the lives of the many hurting, tired bodies that have suffered through the pain of depression. Restore their minds, and their souls! Grant them the strength to win the battle over their emotions. Comfort them with your warm embrace and fill them with your serenity, and hope! Clothe them in security and confidence, and renewed health! Give us courage to enter each new day with joy for our futures!! And may you fill our paths with encouraging, loving hearts to walk with us, that we never feel alone, or defeated again. In the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord, I pray your will upon each journey…. Faithfully Yours, Joy.

Nothing Proven

2011-08-31T23:27:00.004-05:00

Waiting, anxious and excited! These opportunities don't happen often. Heart racing, baby turning...want to sleep...Praise rising..! This opportunity, where did it come from? Why? So random, so unexpected, so "whatever".

The 1 thing we're waiting for...the thing we want most...to own our dream home. Falling into our laps -- a show about finding your dream home. Well, a home...shopping for a home. ;) A humorous God, for sure!

Yes, I realize that I have grown increasingly impatient, waiting for my house to call my own... "why do I have to make this work?!" The question burning beneath the constant re-organizing self... "Why us of six, when families of less have 3 times that of ours..?!"

Questions unspoken...bubbling through attitudes.

But, ungrateful? Have I not proven myself blessed? Daily singing praise for the inches I do find...character collected throughout the narrow hallways?

All is given in Grace. ...How arrogant am I to expect more?! If this becomes a matter of "proving myself", then it turns into a matter of penance, good works.. No. The price has been payed, the debt erased. Nothing owed, nothing to prove!

I deserve nothing... I am given the Kingdom.
ALL OF THIS...! For me.

So what is this window looking into our dreams? Is this a passage way to that which we want inside? But you can't always get what you want..and breaking in is an offense, is it not?

But perhaps, a reminder of the hope inside... Waiting, knowing, that someday it will be released back to us... The day we are given the key, and directions to the front door.

Life Where I Am

2011-04-18T15:16:00.005-05:00

Again, the blog has been set on the back burner. Considering I don't have much energy these days to even turn on my for real back burners (and feed my family!), I feel a little guilty for indulging in thoughtful computer time.... But it's quiet time with kids playing joyously on their still "new" bunk beds (therefore still exciting!), Baby happy, me too tired to sleep. So I sit, and I sort.

Lots going on, feeling overwhelmed. God is good.

I finished reading "One Thousand Gifts". Best book I've picked up in a long time. ..."A dare to live fully right where you are". Counting thanks, making home to joy...basically. Recording, declaring--seeing. Walking wide-eyed to beauty enveloping (much in line with my creative intentions for Garden Candy; and a deeper step, in response to my heart's cry...). So far, I am encouraged, and motivated towards change...and just excited that I finished a book!!

Here's what else has been going on with me....

I'm about 8 weeks into my 4th pregnancy, and the nausea has finally subsided. So grateful!

Hubby's finding his stride, and loving his job. Prayers answered!

Baby sleeping through days and nights. Rest for the weary!

Baby Girl's urology tests cleared, with no medical causes for her accidents... Frustration and confusion, mixed with relief. Patience still tested (more opportunity for growth..? teehee), and things could be much worse...and they aren't!

Huge work load, and lots of paintings ahead.... God providing inspiration and outlets!

Not a lot of energy for cooking, cleaning, or excellent wife-being.... So blessed with amazing support, encouraging and patient in my lack! God's answer for strength, living love unconditional. <3

Easter this weekend. Easter, and all it's glorious meaning!

Sister coming. Family! Empty voids filling, hardened hearts crumbling, joyful cousins screeching, rooms filling with beauty!

Hopefully, I'll be back here again soon. But in the meantime, I have some "pee-scented" (patience growing! ;]) rugs to clean, and a tired baby mouth to feed...as my tummy rumbles for yet another tasty hubby-made meal.

(And again, thank you for listening. =])

A Bad Day

2011-03-07T12:08:00.009-06:00

Woke up, stomach turning...getting out of bed is the last thing I want to do. The weight of responsibility catches up to me once again, and I can't bear it. Body aches, forehead clammy-- I call in sick.

Not exactly.
Alarm sounds, baby cries, Baby Girl roaring at Little Man down the hall... I want to hide, and I do behind heavy eyelids. Hubby kicks in to overdrive, kids dressed, fed, Baby Girl off to school. Babe falls asleep on my pillow, tummy full, Little Man watching cartoons. I am thankful for these mornings, but not now, not today. A darkness holds me beneath the confines of my covers.

These days almost unrecognizable...becoming a thing of the past, yet one sneaks in every month or so. Hormones. They always get the better of me, and I squirm under their power in self-disgust. There have been many instances I've asked myself the annoying questions--do I need help? Probably most likely.. ;) Postpartum? I don't know. What is depression anyways? I've scanned the checklist, but the question "have you ever had suicidal thoughts?" brings me to a halt. Nope, can't be depression. I must just be overwhelmed and sleep deprived.

These days - these bad days - are they not more common then we let on? What I mean is, as Christian women, mothers, wives, are we really comfortable sharing these moments with those to whom we are acquainted? I'm certainly not. How can I be luminescent one day, and a black hole the next? This question burning in my self-conscious, sprouting responses of shame and guilt....

It'd be nice for you to think I had this life all figured out, but then you would have the wrong impression of me. What I really want is to know that when I don't, I can trust you to walk with me as we figure it out together. But yet I wonder if I am the only one in my circle who finds herself in these moments. Why don't we talk about our bad days as though they are just as real as our good? They most definitely are, and for some - more real, too real. And don't they need to be brought to light more so then the ordinary? Rather, we remain content to cram them deep, wrapped in shiny gift wrap, cookies, and bows...p.t.a.'s, lessons, and "busy".

As a Christian woman, how can you let those strongholds into your life? You're obviously not praying enough, you need to try harder... Just a few of the words I play through my head as I try to place my faith in this day...but who's words are these? Not God's, not yours, never words I would share with another! Why then, have I allowed them to become my own?

God, Your word says "I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.." Release these strongholds, these leaks of your Spirit from ours. Fill our hearts with your truth, pushing out the lies. Change our inner chemistry to bring peace from the inside out....

She Aint Got Rhythm

2011-03-04T10:16:00.009-06:00

'Tis another morning home with the boys, and finally, my babe is back to somewhat sleeping after what seemed like a minor cold. You know that feeling, when there's nothing you can do but endure the pitiful tears? Poor guy. So happy to have him back. =]

I've been hearing about this book lately, and read the 1st chapter on-line, so after watching an interview with the author this week I thought I should give it a shot. You can find it here: One Thousand Gifts

Hubby called between meetings, so knowing that he will take any excuse to wander into a bookstore, I asked if he had some time. I love the guy -- he did it in 20 mins., and even said he put back the handful he found for himself. It's moments like these where I wish he had bought his own instead of mine. Amazing, this sacrificial love we receive.... Even in the trivial. Had I gone, I'd 'a been 2 hrs browsing, returning empty handed after acknowledging that I would indeed have to purchase the book at full retail price.

I'm only through the 2nd chapter so far, but it typically takes me half a year to finish a book--I start and stop so many times I'll have probably read it 3 times before I finish...and rarely do I ever finish anything, now that I mention it. ;] But, hopefully with my newly developing time management skills I will find my rhythm, a rhythm...any rhythm!

Although, I have to say -- even though it's been a "2 steps forward, 1 step back" kinda battle, I am beginning to feel liberated as I clear the corners of my home...slowly moving out items better served elsewhere. Still hard, letting go....

And as I work towards momentum, I see my priorities gradually evolve -- facebook gossip, traded for journaling, t.v. for reading, shopping for creating. And that's all fine and dandy, but it's not all about me... and this is where it's hardest, the letting go. As I struggle to reveal myself, I become imbalanced. Afraid to lose myself again, to lose all momentum in this journey of self-recovery.... Stuck in mom-pants, unable to enjoy nice things, just one mini-van lost in a sea of Caravans at the grocers.

But I have been blessed, and time is rushing...zooming! And for today, a choice to be made. A choice to accept my ink-stained furniture as markers of gratitude for the 2 little people who put them there. 2 little people who need me right now more then my desk ever will. And yes, I did just spill coffee on my chair.

Oh, irony.

But why does it have to be a choice, of me versus them? Why am I in constant turmoil over making right decisions, best decisions...for me, for my family...and are they not one in the same? Because. In the natural, it is all too much. I am incapable. I cannot do it. I seize control... I lose control. But God has me, "and God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us" (1 Jn 4:13)... and I am not controlled by my sinful nature, but by his Spirit. (Rom 8:9) His Spirit, my key to Love supernatural. Grace supernatural. Strength. Momentum. Rhythm.

Scrubbing the Bathroom (Part II)

2011-02-25T14:16:00.002-06:00

I am always amazed by my kids’ eagerness to clean at my side, but as much fun as it is for them, I find myself getting frustrated with their added distraction from the task at hand! They are not just content to wipe the counter for me as I spray down the shower…oh no, they insist on being hip-to-hip, underfoot, and often leaving a drippy trail behind me! I get so focused on productivity that any distraction becomes a source of frustration …even if it is my darling daughter demanding my attention “Mom, you have to see this..! Mom, look! Mom, what’s that? Need more soap, Mom!! Mom, mom, mom….!” Well, reading this now, my heart melts at the beauty of her innocence, taking delight in her spirit…but in the moment, this is not my response!

Sometimes, I get too caught up in the minute details surrounding me, and the ugly circumstances I’m desperate to overcome, they are all I see. A multi-tasker I am not. And in my hyper-focused attempts at triumph, I deny myself the most beautiful gifts in my journey…companionship, help, relief, and joy. Life is intended as much more then mastery of calendars, budgets, and time…yet so often we find ourselves in these places of mere survival… And again I find myself needing a reminder that my kids aren’t there to produce a clean bathroom, but are my joy in the act of cleaning the bathroom.

A maid service would have been the efficient choice towards attaining a clean bathroom (and most assuredly mine!), but God’s seasons are not without reason. A maid could not have given me what my kids did in that moment. God sends people into our lives to act as his ambassadors, so instead of looking for him in the dust and grime between the grout lines, I need to stop and relax for a moment, and enjoy God for who he is in the people surrounding me.

As I relentlessly attempt to redeem myself, how many times will I deny the greater joy of living in God’s path? Who else has God sent into my life that I have thoughtlessly shrugged simply because they were “too distracting”? Who is purposefully placed in my path in this moment, that I choose not to acknowledge? And more importantly, what holds my focus, and is preventing me from seeing him?

I know I have been here before, and may find myself here again, but with the right attitude the power to change becomes more accessible with each visit...and without God's grace, impossible.

Scrubbing the Bathroom (Part I)

2011-01-27T15:11:00.007-06:00

As I was scrubbing down my bathroom this afternoon, a few thoughts came to mind: First, I do not clean my bathroom nearly as often as I ought to! Secondly, I love that my kids want to help me, but why must they insist on being right there beside me, asking me for more soap after every swipe? Thirdly, how absolutely disgusting, and how did that get there?! …I certainly didn’t do it! And finally, how come I didn’t see that before -- Ewe?!

I had an epiphany. What an incredible metaphor for our lives.

This is a journey, and as we learn who we are, and meant to be, we discover new things…some good, some not-so.

Every time I entered the bathroom I would cringe at the thought of what might be lurking in the corners, waiting for me. The dust, the streaky mirror, and the bathtub ring were all a shameful reminder of the less then perfect state of my bathroom -- just as my temper, jealousy, and laziness display to my friends, my family, and myself the state of my heart.

…Never mind the stuff that can’t be seen.

And although I wait eagerly for it to magically disappear, I am told that without a little elbow grease and a good cleaner it’s not going away. Boo-urns. I can put it off for so long, but eventually the job becomes too big for a measly sponge and orange scented all-purpose spray…and it’s not long until I’m trying every concoction under the sink, the smell of bleach lingering in my nostrils for the duration of the week. Exhausted and annoyed that I had let it get to that point.

But instead of waiting for the magical scum fairies, getting disappointed at their neglect, why not change the tune of my prayer? I can spend a lot of time asking God to take away my temper, fill me up, show me the right path, and give me joy--but in order to sparkle, we must first scrub away the filth. So I roll up my sleeves, get on my knees, and reach for my cleanser….

“God, it is my desire to serve. To walk in your will. Show me, where am I dusty? What is hiding under the faucet…and dare I ask; the toilet? What can’t I see that is potentially harmful? Show me what is needed to make this tidy bathroom spotless, because the next time I enter, I do not want to be burdened by it. Sterilize all surfaces, so that I will sparkle from all angles! I release them to you…”

(to be continued...)

Quiet Time

2010-12-11T01:13:00.004-06:00

Well, it's shortly after 1am, my family is sleeping, and although I could barely make it through the day earlier without my little catnap, here I perch, chewing up precious sleep hours to try and squeeze in a quiet moment, to access my outlet. Yet I cannot, my mind overwhelmed with pent up frustrations, unable to express them. Exhausted, fighting the urge to let sleep prevail...

I open my daily devotional, and here is what is written for the day of December 10:

"There may be many times when I reveal nothing, command nothing, give no guidance. But your path is clear, and your task, to grow daily more and more into the knowledge of Me. That this quiet time with Me will enable you to do.

I may ask you to sit silent before Me, and I may speak no word that you could write. All the same that waiting with Me will bring comfort and Peace. Only friends who understand and love each other can wait silent in each other's presence.

And it may be that I shall prove our friendship by asking you to wait in silence while I rest with you, assured of your Love and understanding. So wait, so love, so joy." God Calling, A.J.Russell, Editor

Beautiful words, speaking directly to the frustrations of my soul. Another blaring nudge as to exactly what I need to get out of this slump. As ridiculous as it may sound, I weep with joy over these gentle words, the sincerity of God knocking me over the head with them.... He cares; He misses me, and he has been trying to tell me in so many ways, yet I deny Him my heart yet again, and again. He. Misses. Me. Words I have been longing to hear for months, yet words I still struggle to accept.

I may be a sleep-deprived wreck tomorrow, but there is coffee and grace for that. I miss my friend, and wish not to keep him waiting much longer....

Back in the swing

2010-11-16T00:16:00.001-06:00

Well, here we are at our first “sorta” day back to some kind of a routine after a long weekend…Jon at work, Quinn home from school, Hilton playing noisily, yet contently by himself, and Solomon deciding that today is the day that he wants to cry after only a moments rest…. My baby has been so delightfully perfect up until this point, I find myself confused, as though I have never been here before…! But yet again, I find myself exactly where I was 2 and a half years ago…wiping poop off of my daughter’s bum while my baby boy cries..(plus, a bouncing soon-to-be-3 year old, who by the grace of God has mastered the art of self-entertainment, despite the putrid smell emitting from his pull-up).

Did I mention that she is 4? Just when I think we’re making progress, she seems to forget what we’ve set out to do…and then I get frustrated. If I have learned anything in the past 2 years, it is that I have to walk away in my frustration for fear of losing control…. Does this teach her anything about going to the bathroom to her bodies cues? No, but hopefully it teaches her that tantrums are not okay (okay, so I’m just hanging onto the hope that I’m doing something right in all of this... Anything!)

So, with that being said, perhaps you will no longer judge me (or anyone, for that matter) the next time you hear that my son is turning 3 next month, and I do my bare minimum in the matters of potty training. Some may even be shocked to hear that in my exhaustion, have admittedly discouraged him from using the toilet!

Well, I think my babe’s finally crying for something that I can offer him, my daughter’s hollering from the bathroom, and my son is in desperate need of attention…. Oh, and didn’t I have a cup of coffee around here somewhere, I wonder where I put that?

Hmm...I had a point I was eventually hoping to get to, but I guess when you leave your thoughts behind long enough, you eventually forget what you came for. Seems I've been doing a lot of that lately.

Re-findingjoy...

2010-11-15T00:14:00.000-06:00

When I started my blog, I had hoped to make it a meaningful resource offering rejuvenation, depth and inspiration, yet as I find myself writing less and less in the midst of my life becoming busier and busier, I am coming to the realization that a little can take me a long ways. In a meek attempt at getting more value out of my time I am making another effort towards replacing those distractions that have yet again taken me away from my true self, and my family. So instead of feeling overwhelmed by the reality that I lack the energy to write an entire chapter of my story, I begin, yet again, one moment at a time.

To Make It A Good One

2010-01-12T22:29:00.007-06:00

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve checked in, and although I’ve sat here many times, I’ve concluded that I have been afraid to write what I didn’t have to say. There are some places, as I am learning, where I am not yet ready to be real. To maintain the integrity of my thoughts, and what this blog means to me, I’d rather just not say anything at all then bull shit my way through. I do enough of that in life, I would like to keep my on-line world somewhat true-to-self. Seems a little backwards, doesn't it? Well, we're workin' on it.

’09 ended in a bit of a bust, and here we are in 2010. The year began with us pondering the question as posed by my husband: “when was the last year we could say ‘Yeah, that was a good year?” Kind of a bummer question to ask on the partiest night of the year, I thought. My answer, bless my heart: “Just look at how we’ve grown…” which might as well have been “wuah wuah wuah, wuahhh...”.

After all we’ve weathered these past 5 years, I was a little disappointed (an understatement) to hear of his utter discontent, but then I realized, telling a man that “success is not measured by your ability to provide” is like telling a woman that “your beauty lies within”. We all know it, and expect our loved ones to believe it, but somewhere lodged between our comprehension of common sense and intuition, we find what seems to be "the exceptional rule", as applied to self. Consistently investing countless hours into primping and stressing, spending and worrying…desiring to make ourselves beautiful.

And with deep empathy, I kind of had to give this one to hubby. This is a man who had dreams of retiring by 30 (which I LOVE, btw, this gift of his to dream fearlessly!), only to come to the realization that what he had just spent the last 2 years trying to create was crumbling before him, he was burning out, turning 30, and on his own. Our hopes of becoming homeowners; our desire to spend summers camping, and holidaying with family; and our much discussed “Y” memberships and date nights…all sacrificed…and for what? In his words: “…to end up exactly where we were 2 years ago” (At which point I had to bite my tongue at his growing frustration towards my optimism). For any man, not an easy pill to swallow. This could have gone 1 of 2 ways, and I am so proud of him for stepping up, and taking it in the direction he did… Forward. And with that, we’ve made a list. A “Stuff to Make 2010 a Good Year” sorta list. I list which I am very excited about, although we dare not call them “Goals” or “resolutions.” This being the year that the mother-in-law’s annual “Goals and Resolutions” assignment is axed, it might be too much to admit to his mom that we’ve actually written a list this year. =] It's a pride thing.

A few ideas:
- live healthier
- kids in lessons, swimming, dance, etc..
- walk the dog regularly (and he'll need it after the tub of margarine he snatched this afternoon!)
- register potential business name
- more time together/ one-on-one time with the kids
- menu plan
- simplify clutter
- repaint living area
- create more
- invite friends over
- spend time with our nieces and nephew
- volunteer
- get off my ass to stay on top of housework
- get prints made of my art—or at least find a local company

A simple list. Normal things that we just find ourselves too exhausted to do lately. Do-able, I would say. (What good is a list that you can't cross items off of anyway?)

Truth is, as I step into this New Year, I find myself feeling lost and overwhelmed. As I ponder potential possibilities, and the randomness of my own dreams, I wonder where it might take me…. I long to feel “at home,” yet I remain disjointed from my community, overcompensating in the details that will make my house feel “homey”. I may have learned to start loving myself, but I still don’t know how to let others love me…still guarded, afraid. I struggle to understand my purpose, so I “embrace my gifts”; throwing them together in a hodge-podge of ideas. A mess. I have been so out of focus, and the more I try to zoom in, the more I see myself running around like a headless chicken, fresh off the block.

I guess my one greatest desire for this year will be to find a level of comfort in connecting the thoughts on this blog to the conversations I have with others, and the relationships I create from them. To be able to trust someone long enough to let them help me figure this out. Its one thing to talk the talk, but it takes something else to walk the walk; and to know that I have what is needed would mean a difference, I know that much. And from there maybe I can learn how to start living my life, rather then letting it live me. ...Maybe...? I guess we'll see. =]

Content With Being Discontent

2009-11-27T22:13:00.006-06:00

Aaaah! It's craft sale season, and I am getting so frustrated! I love craft sales, but just can't enjoy them like I used to. I remember craft tables filled with handknits by Granny, and jewellery made by her granddaughters...people with more hobbies then they had relatives to share them with! Craft sales were a means for them to deminish their stock, and support their habits for the long winter ahead!

With handcrafted wares being in such high demand these days, it is getting increasingly difficult to book a table in a craft sale; and the sales I have been to are all repeats of the last, filled with the same vendors, again and again. Not to mention, charging REDICULOUS amounts of money for what cost them peanuts to make, and not a lot of time to construct! That being said, I can totally understand why more and more people are turning their craft into thriving businesses. =]

And this is where I get frustrated! If "I can make that" (like I so often think I can), then why don't I??! As I stroll the isles, my heart aches for a niche in the "craft/art" industry (with a brand name and logo safely tucked away in my memory), only to come home completely uninspired, unmotivated, and scared.

Everywhere I turn, "original", "handcrafted", "locally made" pieces are being marketed, sold, and purchased; and at-home, self-taught, confident, striving women are sitting at their desks doing what they love, supporting their hobbies, and enjoying some good gravy over-flow....

I need to do this, I want to do this...but how does one even begin? Whenever the issue comes up with my patiently loving hubby (with oodles of marketing experience--and that exact "know-how" I question), or anyone for that matter, it doesn't take me long to answer with a very logical excuse...and I'm only frustrating myself doing so.

I find myself so overwhelmed with the amount of talent out there. The competition is freightening. It's the real world, and there is no room for coasting. I have only known "coasting", but it is at this point that I am finally becoming discontent with it. Thank you, Jesus! I have dreams (which may not necessarily include craft sales), and God wants me to live them. He gave them to me, and is bringing me that much closer to realizing them.

I certainly don't see myself marketing my skills anytime soon, but I think I am able to find contentment in this phase of growing discontent. =] Wha'...explain that one?! As I grow discontent with coasting, observing, and not-doing, God is preparing me with the heart, drive, and ambition that is needed to survive in this creative world. This world which he has filled with individual, one-of-a-kind talents, and I can be happy with that. He created us all, and if "they" can do it, then why can't I?

So in the meantime, I think I'd like to beging with the incredible canvas I brought home today!

Acceptance...Again and again.

2009-10-30T20:50:00.013-05:00

If I have such a hard time accepting my OWN differences, how can I claim to be so truly accepting of others'...?

Something I've recently been trying to process; but with this flu my brain is instead clouded with mucus. ...any thoughts?

UPDATE: In reply to HappyGirl02.
Yes, I believe I have watched that episode before...but it's always good to hear those things over again for it to really sink in. I like to believe I'm getting there, but obviously still have a few things I need to let go of....

When I posted the comment I was thinking more on the "judgment" side of it, as opposed to the "self-worth"...as in, am I being judgmental? In feeling ashamed about certain aspects/decisions in my life, does this also imply that I am ashamed for other's in the same place? I really don't think so. Or, why is it so hard for me to be free with myself? ...Because I feel there is an expectation/standard I need to live by...and if I were to truly believe this, then surely I would apply it to others, and the way they live? But I DON'T believe this!! Okay, so I feel like I'm going in circles now, 'cause I know I've been over this before, but I suppose that's how Satan likes to weave his lies, stealing us of our joy. Two steps forward. One step back....

So, I don't believe I hold other's to standards/expectations, and I don't believe I am to live my life by expectation; but I have to admit, these hurdles keep repeating themselves in new situations as I keep finding new standards that I don’t quite fit into.... But the reminders are showing up quicker and the lies seem more ridiculous, which must be a sign of progress, right?

I've come a long ways, but I'm certainly not there. The part that is bothering me in all this, is that my freedom was bought and paid for. It's mine--at the front door--waiting to be ripped into, grasped, and appreciated! Why is this, the most precious gift I am to ever receive, the hardest one to open..?!! Generally, when we know it's a good one, we don't bother to peel away the layers, but dig our nails into the packaging, and with 1 vicious strike, the wrapping is discarded, and we're screeching in joy over the "totally awesome!" gift inside. Not this one, though. Nope. It's like unwrapping the soccer ball from your brother, under layers upon layers of duct tape--only to find out it's not a soccer ball at all, but underneath all the layers is a tiny, monogrammed ring—more precious then any soccer ball, but much harder to get into!

But then again, I imagine mom standing over me with a pair of kitchen scissors, pleading with me to be done with it...let Christmas go on! But I can't do that...no. I must prove something. I must prove that I can "do it myself!"

Why can't I just open it, and let life go on?!

Because apparently I must prove to the world that I am human, and faulty, and independent; and that I am easily distracted by what’s not important, and completely insufficient at doing it myself. I have to laugh at this! Definitely not what I set out to prove; but I am human, and all these things…. I most definitely need to reach outside of myself, and this realm to rise above these fallacies, and I just proved it. I prove it again and again. And, therefore, I just proved HIM. =]

I Thank You, Lord...

2009-10-08T22:32:00.009-05:00

*For those 2 beautiful children that are sleeping, and NOT crying, in their perfect, free beds which are so obviously a gift from you!

*That my children have partially decorated rooms to sleep in, messy with oodles of toys, and filled with your presence.

*For our home that only feels cramped because we have an excess of "things" that we have become too attached to, or too lazy to pass on to someone else in need...

*That my floors are flooded in dog fur; reminding me of the loyal companion who lays at my feet, expecting nothing more of me then what I have to offer.

*For the gift to be able to design a room and make it my own based around treasured furniture salvaged from another's trash!

*That we have a vehicle we love, yet can freely share with others because it is more reliable then theirs!

*For this marriage based on a foundation of trust.

*That my daughter is in a phase of ONLY wanting mommy to put her to bed; and that she wants nothing more then for me to read her stories and sing to her.

*That we haven't needed to run our air conditioning this year, saving us one more expense.

*For the gift of this laptop, and the ability to play on it.

*For a best friend who values my time and my gifts, and encourages me to use them joyfully.

*For hubby's career flexibility which allows for prioritized family time.

*For every experience, good or bad, that has shaped me into the woman I am today; the memories shared, and lessons learned.

*For every person who has ever thought of me...and those who have enough so, to go out of their way to put a smile on my face, and hope in my path...

*For love... selflessness... grace... freedom... life... beauty... relationship... joy... and so much more...

I give thanks.

Transparent.

2009-10-06T03:57:00.008-05:00

My journey has led me to a point of self-exposure, and as much as I invite the vulnerability, lately I have found myself struggling with the follow-through! My eyes are being opened to see just the kind of person my friends and family see in front of them, and no wonder these relationships are strained. I am choosing to make changes in the way I live and, with much hope, would like to reconstruct these relationships as the woman I know that I am, and maybe find new ones on the way. I believe that in living a life of transparency the Spirit within me will be allowed to shine as I tear away at my self-constructed walls of shame, fear, inadequacy, and regret…. I have been offered an incredible gift, and with it the freedom of knowing that I am loved with purpose. Having accepted this gift, I must accept my responsibility in nurturing it to it's utmost potential. I have squanderred it, stifling it's maturity. But it has become my desire to share it with you; so that together we may find joy in the beauty of life. This is my painting, and this is where I am at. It's just a beginning, but I am already amazed by the possibilities....

Summa~ Borscht!

2009-09-22T20:51:00.014-05:00

What an incredible summer it's been...filled with several park visits, picnics, thunderstorms, a few birthday parties, wading pools, special visitors (of the sister variety!), and a trip to SK...! Take these simple ingredients and throw them together, and you have yourself one yummy, heart-warming bowl of Zumma Borscht-y goodness! I've taken a gazillion pictures over the summer, so I think I might just post a few*...

. . . .

Slurpees and Ice Cream...summer staples!

. . . .

Puddles, parks and walks...but mostly puddles. =]

. . . .

...free zoo day.

. . . .

And my favorite:

...visiting family in SK. (didn't take nearly enough pictures, though.) =]

. . . .

(Beach or Bust!)

Ahhh, and of course, the September beach.....was awee-some!

. . . .

[* The term being relative]

Well, that was fun...thanks to the help of Picnik...and some time, of course. =]

Defeated Saturday to Hopeful Monday

2009-09-18T00:32:00.006-05:00

Whewhee! What an odd week it’s been! I went from feeling defeated Saturday, to hopeful Monday; overwhelmed Tuesday, to accomplished Wednesday! If this relays anything to you, it is that I am an emotional woman! Look out! …Crazy hormones comin’ at ya!

On Saturday I was feeling defeated by my marriage, my daughter’s pee, and rent…(not in that order). But what’s really crazy is that by Monday I was covered in peace, as I had received resolve in these 3 simple answers: Communication, antibiotics, and generosity…(and again, not in that order)! I have to say, it’s pretty amazing to look back and see the answers unfold before me, just like that—“bingo, bango, bongo” (I remember that from a movie…I can't remember which one though.)!

Like all of those relationship books are telling us these days, men and women DO NOT communicate/ comprehend on the same level! And I get it! It’s usually not until one of us is ready to burst that we’ll actually sit down and talk about our feelings (both fearing the potential results of such confrontations), but once we do, we quickly learn that 80% of our issues are the result of stinky misunderstandings, and false interpretation! In my experiences, all 5 years of them, I have learned that with each great talk we have, we are improving the quality of the next one…quantity not excluded! And after laying it out on the table, this week we were able to prevent “another brick in the wall” from being placed between us, and with each brick averted we have that much more energy to share together positively…hey, my hubby took 3 days off (missing sleep to make up for it!) for family beach trips—oh, he is good to me!

As for the pee issue, certainly the antibiotics aren’t going to solve my potty training issues (although, there are a lot of moms out there who would pay for such a fix on the black market!), and certainly no mom wants to hear that their daughter has a bladder infection…but honestly, I was facing a new level of frustration that I knew could have either been brought on by a recent adaptation of defiance and independence…or a physical incapacity that has only caused her to shut down in frustration…Hmm. But to hear that it is a mere, common and treatable bladder infection--I’ll take the bottle of Ammoxacillin, thank you, and it couldn’t have come at a better time!

And as for rent: well, it’s a little embarrassing to have to come out here and say that we’ve been bailed out…again. But I guess what I am feeling is that I need to put it out there and tell you that it does happen. Boy, does it happen and it’s okay that it does! It doesn’t feel good to be seen as someone who can’t handle the life responsibilities we may or may not have chosen (ie., raising 2 kids on one very inconsistent income), but as we find ourselves praying for a blessing, or a miracle (or whatsoever you choose to call it), we have grown to understand that others “have” because God has given, and there are some very special people out there who understand this very well, choosing to give what they may consider excess, or even belonging to God. And although many may not understand why we “have not”, or even begin to comprehend what it has taken us to get to where we are today; we know that it is only for a season, and when this season is outgrown we can in turn take everything that we have learned, earned, and received, and give it back to God with the freedom of knowing that we can get along just fine “without”! But for the interim, we would have to be pretty ignorant to look at all that we have, yet be so daring as to say that we are without.
My unanswered questions and sources of aggravation from the week prior had been put to rest…the pieces falling into place one after the other, almost immediately. And this excludes to mention our growing history of needs having been met before we could even see what the answers were…and yet we are taken care of. Without, we definitely are not!

Let's be friends...

2009-09-03T21:57:00.010-05:00

Ah, relationships! We don’t need them…Oh, but yes we do! We all have voids in our hearts that can only be filled with relationship… We need it, we crave it, we feel incomplete when they’re not working out…we are designed for it, yet we can never figure it out. But, unfortunately, these relationships we work so hard at maintaining will always disappoint, fade, and bruise, leaving us guarded from ever becoming vulnerable to another human being again. I always found it frustrating and could never understand why I cared so much about what my friends thought of me; why I cried when they didn’t turn to me; or felt it was soooo important that my family understood my actions, like I had to justify my decisions to get their full approval before I could go ahead! Relationships can be very efficient tools in holding us back…especially if self-doubt has become a realm of comfort. As soon as we lose trust in ourselves, we look to those around us who have proven themselves trustworthy; sometimes losing our identities along the way, finding shelter in theirs.

The truth is, I was never very good at making/keeping friends…but if you’re reading this my guess is that you already know it firsthand! I’ve been over sensitive to my friends’ perceptions of me, reading waaay too much into nothing! I was looking to them for validation, and when I didn’t get it, it became easy to walk away…but in tears, because I needed them to see me!! But no wonder they couldn’t see me…I was hiding behind my giant safe wall of “This-Is-What-You-Need-Me-To-Be”! This is only one example (of many) in which I have put the onus onto others to feed me, left at the table empty plate in hand; scrounging through abandoned, dejected crumbs of self-worth.

Yet relationship is woven into us, we need it, and we can’t get away from it…even once we convince ourselves that we don’t, we feel abandoned and lonely…lost. Relationship is the core to our being, our joy, our Salvation. John 15:9-12, 14-17 says: “I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey me, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father and remain in his love. I have told you this so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! I command you to love each other in the same way that I love you. I no longer call you servants, because a master doesn’t confide in his servants. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me. You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce fruit that will last, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name. I command you to love each other.”

So here I am, knowing God for myself…comprehending a smidgen of his love for me, and building a relationship that I know will define me as “Joy, the One-and-Only; the Brilliant; the Oddly Humorous (Or so she thinks); the Irritable and Flatulent, Feline-resenting, Capable, Loved...Me”. Not finding value in the validation of others, but in the value God bestowed upon me as a fine piece of art…His art! “So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God—all because of what our Lord Jesus Christ has done for us in making us friends of God.” Romans 5: 10

But as I find comfort in my relationship with God, I struggle…to find balance in honoring these relationships that are difficult, tiresome, and at times, seemingly inconvenient…. Although I don’t believe that relationships are designed to fill us, I do know that God loves the people needed to have them! As am I asked to love them. He created us in his image…each and every one of us…yet we are all created unique with one-of-a-kind roles specific to his design. So does not each person reveal something about God’s character, heart, and creativity—each a gift of insight into his beautiful plan?? And as Romans 12 affirms: “We are all parts of his one body, and each of us has different work to do. And since we are all one body in Christ, we belong to each other, and each of us needs all the others.” (v. 5) “Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” (v. 10)

And here-after, the craving for relationship continues! But with a different heart, perhaps these relationships still hold hope of liberation, gratification, fulfillment, and growth…. Shaking our selfishness, while releasing those we encounter of responsibility, we are free to enjoy them for who they are… appreciating their gifts, complimentary to each other's weaknesses, and valuing them for their individuality…freeing them of a burden which may be holding them back from seeing God’s beautiful creation, and their role in it.

Feel the Love, and Do It Anyway

2009-08-08T00:07:00.007-05:00

So, I have finally made the time to sit down and learn more about my Father who has made me. I have been craving a deeper knowledge for some time now, but am noticing that every time I try to still my soul long enough to meditate on the Word, I am oh-so conveniently pulled away… Just tonight, as I was sitting down, ready to open my Bible, in walks hubby…. Well, it’s been too long, and I’m not going to let another opportunity slip away…not sure I can make it through tomorrow without it.

Found myself in 1st John this evening, captured by the words in 1 John 4:16-18. "God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we are like Christ here in this world. Such love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of judgment, and this shows that his love has not been perfected in us."

Fear has been ruling my life since as long as I can remember, and although I have made leaps towards “finding my inner confidence”, lately I’ve been convicted, knowing that it is time to step my game up a notch…or 2.

Trying to “find” confidence has been a slow ride for me. About 5 years ago it was highly recommended that I read “Feel the Fear, and Do It Anyway”, maybe you’ve heard of it. But after many failed attempts at several of the ‘exercises’ required of me, I only became more discouraged that the book wasn’t providing the courage needed to take that initial plunge into the unknown…and in keeping with my usual character, I gave up.

Well, that was 5 years ago, and things are different now…. Or are they? Although I haven’t made much time lately to dig into the word myself, I have been trying to fill my daily background with teachings from those who know it rather well. And so it seems everyone has something to say about fear, which, ironically, is something along the lines of “feel the fear, and do it anyway”…haha. Jokes on me! So, what..?! I’ve wasted 5 years waiting for a “feeling”..? A feeling which is only the result of the action!! Thinking back, I have been told repeatedly by friends and family that I “just need to do it”. “Just do it”, “Don’t think about it” they say, as if they know how difficult this is for me! Seriously, maybe they should have just bought me a pair of Nikes, and we’d be done with it…or maybe, 5 years ago I didn’t understand just exactly how that worked into God’s design for me.

I finally started to connect the dots a few years ago, leading up to my baptism, but now I am finally beginning to take it to the next level. It is so obvious, I find myself embarrassed to admit it has taken so long. =] Joyce Meyer caught my attention with her words: “If you say ‘I don’t think I can’, what you’re really saying is ‘I DON’T THINK I AM,’” as in, loved by God. Ouch, that one cut a little. And I thought I was doing pretty good. I don’t think we will ever fully comprehend His love for us until we are resting peacefully in His arms, but this statement opened my eyes to see how superficially I have allowed Him to love me…fully. Or perhaps it would be better to say that I have only accepted His love towards the qualities in me that have been revealed, either as successes or failures...past and present. The profundity of His sacrifice is so far beyond my depth of knowledge as human, I can only relate it to the love that I know. Having lived in such fear I am learning that there is much more yet to be discovered, and perhaps surrendering the “Me” that is to come won’t be such a feat once I can understand how deeply he already loves her too.

I’m not expecting immediate change (been there, done that! Ha.) but maybe now that I see how “feeling the fear” is the choice that I need to make towards accepting the love that He is trying to pour out onto me, I can at least convince myself that I would be foolish not to…because in the end, His Love is all I will ever need. As a woman, (and until you are one, I don't think you could ever get it), and a woman with an INFP (Meyers and Briggs Introverted-Intuition-Feeling-Perception personality model), it has been a challenge not to let my emotions dictate my actions; but I have to say, it's getting much easier. =]

Patience

2009-05-26T02:29:00.005-05:00

So, after a great evening of tasty potluck and good company I lay awake, reaping the after effects of my dinner (note: I firmly stand behind the Try A Little Bit of Everything rule!). I gots to thinking, and so I says…

Shortly after my daughter was born, about 3 years now, my prayer has been for patience. I have always been informed that patience is required in successful child-rearing, and knowing that I didn’t have any I knew I needed to acquire it from an outside source—One with plenty of patience to spare! So I asked God for it. If only I knew then...!

Having worked our way through weaning, sleepless nights, and several attempts at potty training, I can look back in amazement at how we actually made it this far, because I certainly didn’t show patience where it counted! On the other hand, the kiddos have been VERY patient with me, which is surely a sign that the Father is working in my other prayer—Protect them from my mistakes!

As far as patience, well, I guess before I can practice that kind of calm patience on my family that I so desire, it only makes sense that I first find it in my relationship with God; being Love, and the giver of all life ‘n such…who do I think I am, trying to take a shortcut?! Ha!

No, instead my eyes are opened to seeing my life as one giant opportunity after another…finding patience in a much deeper place as each day becomes a choice between trusting God in his will, or giving up on him and trying to muster something out of nothing. ...Trusting God that he will get me through the day on that tiny little multi-vitamin! …That my kids grow in confidence…That the business will survive the year…And that I will have my very own garden someday…! I know I can’t do it, yet I continue playing the fool! And the results: guilt, shame, failure. Hindsight tells me that it’s hardly worth it; enter patience with myself, which any woman knows is a battle in itself...!

I can only hope that I am making the most of my circumstances, taking one day at a time. I will get there someday if I continue to trust in God, understanding that it is only through his strength that I have a chance of being the woman I hope to be.

“My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.” –Man, this verse keeps coming up lately…I wonder if it’s trying to tell me something?! Remembering it in a timely fashion though, that’s where it tends to get tricky! =]

Mustard Seed Faith

2009-05-17T00:07:00.004-05:00

"Then the officer said, 'Lord, I am not worthy to have you come into my home. Just say the word from where you are, and my servant will be healed! I know, because I am under the authority of my superior officers and I have authority over my soldiers. I only need to say, 'Go,' and they go, or 'Come,' and they come. And if I say to my slaves, 'Do this or that,' they do it." When Jesus heard this, he was amazed. Turning to the crowd, he said,” I tell you the truth, I haven't seen faith like this in all the land of Israel!" Matthew 8:8-10

Reading this, along with "The Shack", has brought me to ponder the depths of my own faith. I can think back to situations when I was certain of God's provision, yet still found myself almost surprised that my hopes came to fruition... And now I find my prayers followed with "…but if that is not your will…" This doesn't sit well with me. Hope and Faith seem to go hand-in-hand, but hindsight has opened my eyes to areas where I may have far too easily compensated one for the other.

Killing some time this afternoon we ended up driving along riverfront properties, gawking at some of our dream homes (always a favorite pastime), but after some time I found myself getting irritated that we were wasting our time dreaming about homes we could never own…the pessimist in me, when Hubby said something that made me stop and think… “God will give us our dream home someday.” The confidence with which he spoke amazed me. I have been blessed with a huge opportunity to learn patience (...it’s too late, I can’t take those prayers back!), but have instead allowed myself to become discouraged, robbing myself of the gift of confidence given me through Jesus…the confidence in him to move mountains! If this feat requires faith the size of a mustard seed (Matthew 17:20), then how does my faith measure up…?

Making a moment

2009-05-14T11:03:00.008-05:00

Trying to find a moment of solace this morning, I took to playing some worship music over the kids’ cd playing across the room. As I sat in my computer chair, overwhelmed by the amount of attention that I was unable to give, I seriously started to question where I was ever supposed to find a moment to “be still” ….

Looking over at some point during animated play, Baby Girl found me in my chair crying. Her initial reaction is to whimper on over to me, producing what is her version of empathy… “I’m cwying..”. As she encourages me to call daddy, because that will help me stop crying, I can’t help but smile. Her innocence during these moments reveals so much of what I am only trying to retrain myself now. When life is confusing…talk to your daddy. Period. Yes, she was referring to her calm, comforting, huggable daddy, but this is exactly the kind of relationship God wants with us when we are asked to call him Father.

The answer comes so obviously from a 3 year old who has all the faith in her daddy, and even though I am always learning new depths of what it means to have faith, with all the distractions I invite into my life I am in constant need of this daily reminder…surrender to God even the simplest of things, for it is most often in the little things that Satan sneaks through our defenses, given opportunity to tear us down before we even know he’s awake this morning. To do anything in my own strength will only lead to exhaustion, frustration, and disappointment…. A reality I have faced on a far too regular basis.

Now, if only I could follow through on my desire to get up before the kids in the a.m., making room for these moments before I am left griping that I can’t find 10 minutes in the day… Enough excuses, it’s time to prioritize.

A mindful distraction

2009-05-13T23:34:00.002-05:00

Like everything else it seems, I have percrastinated jumping onto the 'blogging' bandwagon, as I have been interested in the idea for quite some time. I have found many ways to waste my time on the computer, none of them productive, but journaling is one thing that I have grown to enjoy, although I don't make much time for it these days...I guess I'm too busy facebooking. Writing it down helps me process, so my goal for this blog is to redirect my time spent on the computer, turning it into something a little more positive then another solitaire win. I have grown weary of these mindless distractions, and am ready to take my blessings more seriously...so let's start with baby steps, shall we!