Woke up, stomach turning...getting out of bed is the last thing I want to do. The weight of responsibility catches up to me once again, and I can't bear it. Body aches, forehead clammy-- I call in sick.
Not exactly.
Alarm sounds, baby cries, Baby Girl roaring at Little Man down the hall... I want to hide, and I do behind heavy eyelids. Hubby kicks in to overdrive, kids dressed, fed, Baby Girl off to school. Babe falls asleep on my pillow, tummy full, Little Man watching cartoons. I am thankful for these mornings, but not now, not today. A darkness holds me beneath the confines of my covers.
These days almost unrecognizable...becoming a thing of the past, yet one sneaks in every month or so. Hormones. They always get the better of me, and I squirm under their power in self-disgust. There have been many instances I've asked myself the annoying questions--do I need help? Probably most likely.. ;) Postpartum? I don't know. What is depression anyways? I've scanned the checklist, but the question "have you ever had suicidal thoughts?" brings me to a halt. Nope, can't be depression. I must just be overwhelmed and sleep deprived.
These days - these bad days - are they not more common then we let on? What I mean is, as Christian women, mothers, wives, are we really comfortable sharing these moments with those to whom we are acquainted? I'm certainly not. How can I be luminescent one day, and a black hole the next? This question burning in my self-conscious, sprouting responses of shame and guilt....
It'd be nice for you to think I had this life all figured out, but then you would have the wrong impression of me. What I really want is to know that when I don't, I can trust you to walk with me as we figure it out together. But yet I wonder if I am the only one in my circle who finds herself in these moments. Why don't we talk about our bad days as though they are just as real as our good? They most definitely are, and for some - more real, too real. And don't they need to be brought to light more so then the ordinary? Rather, we remain content to cram them deep, wrapped in shiny gift wrap, cookies, and bows...p.t.a.'s, lessons, and "busy".
As a Christian woman, how can you let those strongholds into your life? You're obviously not praying enough, you need to try harder... Just a few of the words I play through my head as I try to place my faith in this day...but who's words are these? Not God's, not yours, never words I would share with another! Why then, have I allowed them to become my own?
God, Your word says "I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.." Release these strongholds, these leaks of your Spirit from ours. Fill our hearts with your truth, pushing out the lies. Change our inner chemistry to bring peace from the inside out....
7.3.11
4.3.11
She Aint Got Rhythm
'Tis another morning home with the boys, and finally, my babe is back to somewhat sleeping after what seemed like a minor cold. You know that feeling, when there's nothing you can do but endure the pitiful tears? Poor guy. So happy to have him back. =]
I've been hearing about this book lately, and read the 1st chapter on-line, so after watching an interview with the author this week I thought I should give it a shot. You can find it here: One Thousand Gifts
Hubby called between meetings, so knowing that he will take any excuse to wander into a bookstore, I asked if he had some time. I love the guy -- he did it in 20 mins., and even said he put back the handful he found for himself. It's moments like these where I wish he had bought his own instead of mine. Amazing, this sacrificial love we receive.... Even in the trivial. Had I gone, I'd 'a been 2 hrs browsing, returning empty handed after acknowledging that I would indeed have to purchase the book at full retail price.
I'm only through the 2nd chapter so far, but it typically takes me half a year to finish a book--I start and stop so many times I'll have probably read it 3 times before I finish...and rarely do I ever finish anything, now that I mention it. ;] But, hopefully with my newly developing time management skills I will find my rhythm, a rhythm...any rhythm!
Although, I have to say -- even though it's been a "2 steps forward, 1 step back" kinda battle, I am beginning to feel liberated as I clear the corners of my home...slowly moving out items better served elsewhere. Still hard, letting go....
And as I work towards momentum, I see my priorities gradually evolve -- facebook gossip, traded for journaling, t.v. for reading, shopping for creating. And that's all fine and dandy, but it's not all about me... and this is where it's hardest, the letting go. As I struggle to reveal myself, I become imbalanced. Afraid to lose myself again, to lose all momentum in this journey of self-recovery.... Stuck in mom-pants, unable to enjoy nice things, just one mini-van lost in a sea of Caravans at the grocers.
But I have been blessed, and time is rushing...zooming! And for today, a choice to be made. A choice to accept my ink-stained furniture as markers of gratitude for the 2 little people who put them there. 2 little people who need me right now more then my desk ever will. And yes, I did just spill coffee on my chair.
Oh, irony.
But why does it have to be a choice, of me versus them? Why am I in constant turmoil over making right decisions, best decisions...for me, for my family...and are they not one in the same? Because. In the natural, it is all too much. I am incapable. I cannot do it. I seize control... I lose control. But God has me, "and God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us" (1 Jn 4:13)... and I am not controlled by my sinful nature, but by his Spirit. (Rom 8:9) His Spirit, my key to Love supernatural. Grace supernatural. Strength. Momentum. Rhythm.
I've been hearing about this book lately, and read the 1st chapter on-line, so after watching an interview with the author this week I thought I should give it a shot. You can find it here: One Thousand Gifts
Hubby called between meetings, so knowing that he will take any excuse to wander into a bookstore, I asked if he had some time. I love the guy -- he did it in 20 mins., and even said he put back the handful he found for himself. It's moments like these where I wish he had bought his own instead of mine. Amazing, this sacrificial love we receive.... Even in the trivial. Had I gone, I'd 'a been 2 hrs browsing, returning empty handed after acknowledging that I would indeed have to purchase the book at full retail price.
I'm only through the 2nd chapter so far, but it typically takes me half a year to finish a book--I start and stop so many times I'll have probably read it 3 times before I finish...and rarely do I ever finish anything, now that I mention it. ;] But, hopefully with my newly developing time management skills I will find my rhythm, a rhythm...any rhythm!
Although, I have to say -- even though it's been a "2 steps forward, 1 step back" kinda battle, I am beginning to feel liberated as I clear the corners of my home...slowly moving out items better served elsewhere. Still hard, letting go....
And as I work towards momentum, I see my priorities gradually evolve -- facebook gossip, traded for journaling, t.v. for reading, shopping for creating. And that's all fine and dandy, but it's not all about me... and this is where it's hardest, the letting go. As I struggle to reveal myself, I become imbalanced. Afraid to lose myself again, to lose all momentum in this journey of self-recovery.... Stuck in mom-pants, unable to enjoy nice things, just one mini-van lost in a sea of Caravans at the grocers.
But I have been blessed, and time is rushing...zooming! And for today, a choice to be made. A choice to accept my ink-stained furniture as markers of gratitude for the 2 little people who put them there. 2 little people who need me right now more then my desk ever will. And yes, I did just spill coffee on my chair.
Oh, irony.
But why does it have to be a choice, of me versus them? Why am I in constant turmoil over making right decisions, best decisions...for me, for my family...and are they not one in the same? Because. In the natural, it is all too much. I am incapable. I cannot do it. I seize control... I lose control. But God has me, "and God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us" (1 Jn 4:13)... and I am not controlled by my sinful nature, but by his Spirit. (Rom 8:9) His Spirit, my key to Love supernatural. Grace supernatural. Strength. Momentum. Rhythm.
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