Acceptance...Again and again.

If I have such a hard time accepting my OWN differences, how can I claim to be so truly accepting of others'...?

Something I've recently been trying to process; but with this flu my brain is instead clouded with mucus. ...any thoughts?

UPDATE: In reply to HappyGirl02.
Yes, I believe I have watched that episode before...but it's always good to hear those things over again for it to really sink in. I like to believe I'm getting there, but obviously still have a few things I need to let go of....

When I posted the comment I was thinking more on the "judgment" side of it, as opposed to the "self-worth"...as in, am I being judgmental? In feeling ashamed about certain aspects/decisions in my life, does this also imply that I am ashamed for other's in the same place? I really don't think so. Or, why is it so hard for me to be free with myself? ...Because I feel there is an expectation/standard I need to live by...and if I were to truly believe this, then surely I would apply it to others, and the way they live? But I DON'T believe this!! Okay, so I feel like I'm going in circles now, 'cause I know I've been over this before, but I suppose that's how Satan likes to weave his lies, stealing us of our joy. Two steps forward. One step back....

So, I don't believe I hold other's to standards/expectations, and I don't believe I am to live my life by expectation; but I have to admit, these hurdles keep repeating themselves in new situations as I keep finding new standards that I don’t quite fit into.... But the reminders are showing up quicker and the lies seem more ridiculous, which must be a sign of progress, right?

I've come a long ways, but I'm certainly not there. The part that is bothering me in all this, is that my freedom was bought and paid for. It's mine--at the front door--waiting to be ripped into, grasped, and appreciated! Why is this, the most precious gift I am to ever receive, the hardest one to open..?!! Generally, when we know it's a good one, we don't bother to peel away the layers, but dig our nails into the packaging, and with 1 vicious strike, the wrapping is discarded, and we're screeching in joy over the "totally awesome!" gift inside. Not this one, though. Nope. It's like unwrapping the soccer ball from your brother, under layers upon layers of duct tape--only to find out it's not a soccer ball at all, but underneath all the layers is a tiny, monogrammed ring—more precious then any soccer ball, but much harder to get into!

But then again, I imagine mom standing over me with a pair of kitchen scissors, pleading with me to be done with it...let Christmas go on! But I can't do that...no. I must prove something. I must prove that I can "do it myself!"

Why can't I just open it, and let life go on?!

Because apparently I must prove to the world that I am human, and faulty, and independent; and that I am easily distracted by what’s not important, and completely insufficient at doing it myself. I have to laugh at this! Definitely not what I set out to prove; but I am human, and all these things…. I most definitely need to reach outside of myself, and this realm to rise above these fallacies, and I just proved it. I prove it again and again. And, therefore, I just proved HIM. =]

I Thank You, Lord...

*For those 2 beautiful children that are sleeping, and NOT crying, in their perfect, free beds which are so obviously a gift from you!

*That my children have partially decorated rooms to sleep in, messy with oodles of toys, and filled with your presence.

*For our home that only feels cramped because we have an excess of "things" that we have become too attached to, or too lazy to pass on to someone else in need...

*That my floors are flooded in dog fur; reminding me of the loyal companion who lays at my feet, expecting nothing more of me then what I have to offer.

*For the gift to be able to design a room and make it my own based around treasured furniture salvaged from another's trash!

*That we have a vehicle we love, yet can freely share with others because it is more reliable then theirs!

*For this marriage based on a foundation of trust.

*That my daughter is in a phase of ONLY wanting mommy to put her to bed; and that she wants nothing more then for me to read her stories and sing to her.

*That we haven't needed to run our air conditioning this year, saving us one more expense.

*For the gift of this laptop, and the ability to play on it.

*For a best friend who values my time and my gifts, and encourages me to use them joyfully.

*For hubby's career flexibility which allows for prioritized family time.

*For every experience, good or bad, that has shaped me into the woman I am today; the memories shared, and lessons learned.

*For every person who has ever thought of me...and those who have enough so, to go out of their way to put a smile on my face, and hope in my path...

*For love... selflessness... grace... freedom... life... beauty... relationship... joy... and so much more...

I give thanks.

Transparent.

My journey has led me to a point of self-exposure, and as much as I invite the vulnerability, lately I have found myself struggling with the follow-through! My eyes are being opened to see just the kind of person my friends and family see in front of them, and no wonder these relationships are strained. I am choosing to make changes in the way I live and, with much hope, would like to reconstruct these relationships as the woman I know that I am, and maybe find new ones on the way. I believe that in living a life of transparency the Spirit within me will be allowed to shine as I tear away at my self-constructed walls of shame, fear, inadequacy, and regret…. I have been offered an incredible gift, and with it the freedom of knowing that I am loved with purpose. Having accepted this gift, I must accept my responsibility in nurturing it to it's utmost potential. I have squanderred it, stifling it's maturity. But it has become my desire to share it with you; so that together we may find joy in the beauty of life. This is my painting, and this is where I am at. It's just a beginning, but I am already amazed by the possibilities....