Awe

As I sat down at my laptop this evening feeling disconnected from my writing, I felt that I had nothing inspiring to say. So I took the opportunity to read some of my old entries. I didn't get very far before the words I read had me captivated. Certainly not because I think I am just a fantastic writer, haha, no! But about halfway through my post about Patience I caught a glimpse into my past, the person I was then...and I smiled as this last week played through my head. I know why I was asking for patience then...I didn't understand why we couldn't have our house, and I was too easily frustrated by my kids.

Yet sitting here 3 years later in the same small apartment, with twice as many kids, I feel that I am more patient then I ever was. If I was desperate to move then, I would have expected 3 years to push me over the edge! And if I was frustrated with 2 little people...certainly I wouldn't have the patience for 4! But quite the opposite has happened. I am currently in the planning stages of rearranging the kids' rooms, and I am excited about it! Not knowing how long it may be this way, considering the possibility of several years.... And the calmness with which I am able to deal with my kids in comparison to how I handled myself then...measurably different!

Anyone who has prayed, and waited for answers, whether having found them, or not, will surely empathize with the abundant joy that comes with my next statement:

God heard. God answered. God granted.

God is good. Not always do I get to see his answer, nor like it when I do; and so often I feel unheard...but when He does bless me with a "yes" answer, I am encouraged that I am on the right path, walking in the direction He desires. I dug up a few verses that I hope encourage you to pray, and to know that His ears are turned to listen:

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, whose thoughts are fixed on you! trust in the Lord always, for the Lord God is the eternal Rock. Isaiah 26:3-4

God blesses those who realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is given to them. Matt 5:3

So let us come boldy to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it. Hebrews 4:16

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Hebrews 13:8

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be astounded. They will put their trust in the Lord. Psalm 40:1-3

"For the mountains may depart and the hills disappear, but even then I will remain loyal to you. My covenant of blessing will never be broken," says the Lord, who has mercy on you. Isaiah 54:10

Luke 11:5-13

Zechariah 4:6

Habakkuk 3:19

Isaiah 41:10

Luke 18:1-8

Psalm 34:17-19

Confessions of a Procreant

When my first born was 9mths old I had conceived baby #2. Exciting, and scary, as I'm sure you know. This pregnancy was filled with many lows, and uncontrollable emotions. Largely due to the fact that I couldn't handle my 4 year old puppy, and in making the decision to give him to another loving family I was burdened with inadequacies, questioning my abilities to handle a person... and getting out of bed was a struggle. When my little boy turned 2, I started to get a taste of wholeness, feeling my hormones start to balance out, hopeful for opportunities to explore my creativity. And after a few short months of painting again, I received the wonderful news of baby #3! Again, exciting and scary all rolled into one.

But sadly, again my hormones shot out of balance, and as I looked to the future I became filled with doubt and insecurity yet again...half a person, wanting to hide under the covers. And that is what I did. After he was born, Hubby rented me a cute little studio in a neglected downtown warehouse. So awesome, and a new step in my journey as I attempted to explore the artist in me! Yet, I found myself still very tired, and unmotivated to use the space after only a few weeks of painting again. And here enters baby #4. =] God's obscure timing with yet another beautiful gift! (Please understand that each and every one of these babies has been received with the greatest joy and love! We chose not to "plan" our family, because we knew God's plan was better than anything we could imagine. And although I did not always feel "ready", with each fear, we knew we would have to rely on God as our source of strength. )

I have always been blessed with healthy, low risk pregnancies, and although many women experience physical symptoms of nausea, I rarely did. Rather, I was beginning to pick up on a pattern of emotional and mental symptoms as I found myself again fighting a deeply saddened spirit. I was too tired to play with my older kids (enter Super Daddy...), too exhausted to cook and clean (...and Super Hubby!), and too sad to talk about it. Because I just had a baby, I was beginning to forget that the crazy, sad, manic, unmotivated and tired person I woke up as every morning was not who I really am.

If you consider the extraordinary work a woman’s body has to go through in the development of another little person, you may find yourself overwhelmed with the miracle of it all…and definitely understand why pregnancy is so taxing. I've spent the last 5 years of my life feeling like half of a person, wondering why I could never measure up to my own expectations. In the moments that I could focus on the science behind my physical lack, I found myself hopeful for the future of my family, and excited for the upcoming challenges that I could tackle as a mother of 4…but mostly I would just forget that there was another half of myself to be found at the end of the pregnancy, and doubt my capacity.

And now she is here, and I am so thankful for the 9 months of sacrifice that it took to get her here, but I am also happy to rediscover myself as a non-pregnant woman. And even though I still struggle to find the energy to do everything I want to, I am excited to have some control over my body again, rather than being controlled by it.

2012 is an exciting year for me, as I close a chapter of my life, and find the strength to step into another. =] I still feel doubt creep up as I learn to manage my emotions and stretch into new levels of confidence, but I am filled with hope as I wake up each morning refreshed, free from the dread that used to keep me in bed….

Thank you, Lord for this new hope, and for reviving the beautiful woman you created out of this tired body. I thank you for the peace you have instilled in my spirit. Thank you for giving me new confidence, a healthy body, and the tools to restoring a healthy mind. I pray your peace into the lives of the many hurting, tired bodies that have suffered through the pain of depression. Restore their minds, and their souls! Grant them the strength to win the battle over their emotions. Comfort them with your warm embrace and fill them with your serenity, and hope! Clothe them in security and confidence, and renewed health! Give us courage to enter each new day with joy for our futures!! And may you fill our paths with encouraging, loving hearts to walk with us, that we never feel alone, or defeated again. In the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord, I pray your will upon each journey…. Faithfully Yours, Joy.