Patience

So, after a great evening of tasty potluck and good company I lay awake, reaping the after effects of my dinner (note: I firmly stand behind the Try A Little Bit of Everything rule!). I gots to thinking, and so I says…

Shortly after my daughter was born, about 3 years now, my prayer has been for patience. I have always been informed that patience is required in successful child-rearing, and knowing that I didn’t have any I knew I needed to acquire it from an outside source—One with plenty of patience to spare! So I asked God for it. If only I knew then...!

Having worked our way through weaning, sleepless nights, and several attempts at potty training, I can look back in amazement at how we actually made it this far, because I certainly didn’t show patience where it counted! On the other hand, the kiddos have been VERY patient with me, which is surely a sign that the Father is working in my other prayer—Protect them from my mistakes!

As far as patience, well, I guess before I can practice that kind of calm patience on my family that I so desire, it only makes sense that I first find it in my relationship with God; being Love, and the giver of all life ‘n such…who do I think I am, trying to take a shortcut?! Ha!

No, instead my eyes are opened to seeing my life as one giant opportunity after another…finding patience in a much deeper place as each day becomes a choice between trusting God in his will, or giving up on him and trying to muster something out of nothing. ...Trusting God that he will get me through the day on that tiny little multi-vitamin! …That my kids grow in confidence…That the business will survive the year…And that I will have my very own garden someday…! I know I can’t do it, yet I continue playing the fool! And the results: guilt, shame, failure. Hindsight tells me that it’s hardly worth it; enter patience with myself, which any woman knows is a battle in itself...!

I can only hope that I am making the most of my circumstances, taking one day at a time. I will get there someday if I continue to trust in God, understanding that it is only through his strength that I have a chance of being the woman I hope to be.

“My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.” –Man, this verse keeps coming up lately…I wonder if it’s trying to tell me something?! Remembering it in a timely fashion though, that’s where it tends to get tricky! =]

Mustard Seed Faith

"Then the officer said, 'Lord, I am not worthy to have you come into my home. Just say the word from where you are, and my servant will be healed! I know, because I am under the authority of my superior officers and I have authority over my soldiers. I only need to say, 'Go,' and they go, or 'Come,' and they come. And if I say to my slaves, 'Do this or that,' they do it." When Jesus heard this, he was amazed. Turning to the crowd, he said,” I tell you the truth, I haven't seen faith like this in all the land of Israel!" Matthew 8:8-10

Reading this, along with "The Shack", has brought me to ponder the depths of my own faith. I can think back to situations when I was certain of God's provision, yet still found myself almost surprised that my hopes came to fruition... And now I find my prayers followed with "…but if that is not your will…" This doesn't sit well with me. Hope and Faith seem to go hand-in-hand, but hindsight has opened my eyes to areas where I may have far too easily compensated one for the other.

Killing some time this afternoon we ended up driving along riverfront properties, gawking at some of our dream homes (always a favorite pastime), but after some time I found myself getting irritated that we were wasting our time dreaming about homes we could never own…the pessimist in me, when Hubby said something that made me stop and think… “God will give us our dream home someday.” The confidence with which he spoke amazed me. I have been blessed with a huge opportunity to learn patience (...it’s too late, I can’t take those prayers back!), but have instead allowed myself to become discouraged, robbing myself of the gift of confidence given me through Jesus…the confidence in him to move mountains! If this feat requires faith the size of a mustard seed (Matthew 17:20), then how does my faith measure up…?

Making a moment

Trying to find a moment of solace this morning, I took to playing some worship music over the kids’ cd playing across the room. As I sat in my computer chair, overwhelmed by the amount of attention that I was unable to give, I seriously started to question where I was ever supposed to find a moment to “be still” ….

Looking over at some point during animated play, Baby Girl found me in my chair crying. Her initial reaction is to whimper on over to me, producing what is her version of empathy… “I’m cwying..”. As she encourages me to call daddy, because that will help me stop crying, I can’t help but smile. Her innocence during these moments reveals so much of what I am only trying to retrain myself now. When life is confusing…talk to your daddy. Period. Yes, she was referring to her calm, comforting, huggable daddy, but this is exactly the kind of relationship God wants with us when we are asked to call him Father.

The answer comes so obviously from a 3 year old who has all the faith in her daddy, and even though I am always learning new depths of what it means to have faith, with all the distractions I invite into my life I am in constant need of this daily reminder…surrender to God even the simplest of things, for it is most often in the little things that Satan sneaks through our defenses, given opportunity to tear us down before we even know he’s awake this morning. To do anything in my own strength will only lead to exhaustion, frustration, and disappointment…. A reality I have faced on a far too regular basis.

Now, if only I could follow through on my desire to get up before the kids in the a.m., making room for these moments before I am left griping that I can’t find 10 minutes in the day… Enough excuses, it’s time to prioritize.

A mindful distraction

Like everything else it seems, I have percrastinated jumping onto the 'blogging' bandwagon, as I have been interested in the idea for quite some time. I have found many ways to waste my time on the computer, none of them productive, but journaling is one thing that I have grown to enjoy, although I don't make much time for it these days...I guess I'm too busy facebooking. Writing it down helps me process, so my goal for this blog is to redirect my time spent on the computer, turning it into something a little more positive then another solitaire win. I have grown weary of these mindless distractions, and am ready to take my blessings more seriously...so let's start with baby steps, shall we!