A Bad Day

Woke up, stomach turning...getting out of bed is the last thing I want to do. The weight of responsibility catches up to me once again, and I can't bear it. Body aches, forehead clammy-- I call in sick.

Not exactly.
Alarm sounds, baby cries, Baby Girl roaring at Little Man down the hall... I want to hide, and I do behind heavy eyelids. Hubby kicks in to overdrive, kids dressed, fed, Baby Girl off to school. Babe falls asleep on my pillow, tummy full, Little Man watching cartoons. I am thankful for these mornings, but not now, not today. A darkness holds me beneath the confines of my covers.

These days almost unrecognizable...becoming a thing of the past, yet one sneaks in every month or so. Hormones. They always get the better of me, and I squirm under their power in self-disgust. There have been many instances I've asked myself the annoying questions--do I need help? Probably most likely.. ;) Postpartum? I don't know. What is depression anyways? I've scanned the checklist, but the question "have you ever had suicidal thoughts?" brings me to a halt. Nope, can't be depression. I must just be overwhelmed and sleep deprived.

These days - these bad days - are they not more common then we let on? What I mean is, as Christian women, mothers, wives, are we really comfortable sharing these moments with those to whom we are acquainted? I'm certainly not. How can I be luminescent one day, and a black hole the next? This question burning in my self-conscious, sprouting responses of shame and guilt....

It'd be nice for you to think I had this life all figured out, but then you would have the wrong impression of me. What I really want is to know that when I don't, I can trust you to walk with me as we figure it out together. But yet I wonder if I am the only one in my circle who finds herself in these moments. Why don't we talk about our bad days as though they are just as real as our good? They most definitely are, and for some - more real, too real. And don't they need to be brought to light more so then the ordinary? Rather, we remain content to cram them deep, wrapped in shiny gift wrap, cookies, and bows...p.t.a.'s, lessons, and "busy".

As a Christian woman, how can you let those strongholds into your life? You're obviously not praying enough, you need to try harder... Just a few of the words I play through my head as I try to place my faith in this day...but who's words are these? Not God's, not yours, never words I would share with another! Why then, have I allowed them to become my own?

God, Your word says "I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.." Release these strongholds, these leaks of your Spirit from ours. Fill our hearts with your truth, pushing out the lies. Change our inner chemistry to bring peace from the inside out....