So, I have finally made the time to sit down and learn more about my Father who has made me. I have been craving a deeper knowledge for some time now, but am noticing that every time I try to still my soul long enough to meditate on the Word, I am oh-so conveniently pulled away… Just tonight, as I was sitting down, ready to open my Bible, in walks hubby…. Well, it’s been too long, and I’m not going to let another opportunity slip away…not sure I can make it through tomorrow without it.
Found myself in 1st John this evening, captured by the words in 1 John 4:16-18. "God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we are like Christ here in this world. Such love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of judgment, and this shows that his love has not been perfected in us."
Fear has been ruling my life since as long as I can remember, and although I have made leaps towards “finding my inner confidence”, lately I’ve been convicted, knowing that it is time to step my game up a notch…or 2.
Trying to “find” confidence has been a slow ride for me. About 5 years ago it was highly recommended that I read “Feel the Fear, and Do It Anyway”, maybe you’ve heard of it. But after many failed attempts at several of the ‘exercises’ required of me, I only became more discouraged that the book wasn’t providing the courage needed to take that initial plunge into the unknown…and in keeping with my usual character, I gave up.
Well, that was 5 years ago, and things are different now…. Or are they? Although I haven’t made much time lately to dig into the word myself, I have been trying to fill my daily background with teachings from those who know it rather well. And so it seems everyone has something to say about fear, which, ironically, is something along the lines of “feel the fear, and do it anyway”…haha. Jokes on me! So, what..?! I’ve wasted 5 years waiting for a “feeling”..? A feeling which is only the result of the action!! Thinking back, I have been told repeatedly by friends and family that I “just need to do it”. “Just do it”, “Don’t think about it” they say, as if they know how difficult this is for me! Seriously, maybe they should have just bought me a pair of Nikes, and we’d be done with it…or maybe, 5 years ago I didn’t understand just exactly how that worked into God’s design for me.
I finally started to connect the dots a few years ago, leading up to my baptism, but now I am finally beginning to take it to the next level. It is so obvious, I find myself embarrassed to admit it has taken so long. =] Joyce Meyer caught my attention with her words: “If you say ‘I don’t think I can’, what you’re really saying is ‘I DON’T THINK I AM,’” as in, loved by God. Ouch, that one cut a little. And I thought I was doing pretty good. I don’t think we will ever fully comprehend His love for us until we are resting peacefully in His arms, but this statement opened my eyes to see how superficially I have allowed Him to love me…fully. Or perhaps it would be better to say that I have only accepted His love towards the qualities in me that have been revealed, either as successes or failures...past and present. The profundity of His sacrifice is so far beyond my depth of knowledge as human, I can only relate it to the love that I know. Having lived in such fear I am learning that there is much more yet to be discovered, and perhaps surrendering the “Me” that is to come won’t be such a feat once I can understand how deeply he already loves her too.
I’m not expecting immediate change (been there, done that! Ha.) but maybe now that I see how “feeling the fear” is the choice that I need to make towards accepting the love that He is trying to pour out onto me, I can at least convince myself that I would be foolish not to…because in the end, His Love is all I will ever need. As a woman, (and until you are one, I don't think you could ever get it), and a woman with an INFP (Meyers and Briggs Introverted-Intuition-Feeling-Perception personality model), it has been a challenge not to let my emotions dictate my actions; but I have to say, it's getting much easier. =]
Found myself in 1st John this evening, captured by the words in 1 John 4:16-18. "God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we are like Christ here in this world. Such love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of judgment, and this shows that his love has not been perfected in us."
Fear has been ruling my life since as long as I can remember, and although I have made leaps towards “finding my inner confidence”, lately I’ve been convicted, knowing that it is time to step my game up a notch…or 2.
Trying to “find” confidence has been a slow ride for me. About 5 years ago it was highly recommended that I read “Feel the Fear, and Do It Anyway”, maybe you’ve heard of it. But after many failed attempts at several of the ‘exercises’ required of me, I only became more discouraged that the book wasn’t providing the courage needed to take that initial plunge into the unknown…and in keeping with my usual character, I gave up.
Well, that was 5 years ago, and things are different now…. Or are they? Although I haven’t made much time lately to dig into the word myself, I have been trying to fill my daily background with teachings from those who know it rather well. And so it seems everyone has something to say about fear, which, ironically, is something along the lines of “feel the fear, and do it anyway”…haha. Jokes on me! So, what..?! I’ve wasted 5 years waiting for a “feeling”..? A feeling which is only the result of the action!! Thinking back, I have been told repeatedly by friends and family that I “just need to do it”. “Just do it”, “Don’t think about it” they say, as if they know how difficult this is for me! Seriously, maybe they should have just bought me a pair of Nikes, and we’d be done with it…or maybe, 5 years ago I didn’t understand just exactly how that worked into God’s design for me.
I finally started to connect the dots a few years ago, leading up to my baptism, but now I am finally beginning to take it to the next level. It is so obvious, I find myself embarrassed to admit it has taken so long. =] Joyce Meyer caught my attention with her words: “If you say ‘I don’t think I can’, what you’re really saying is ‘I DON’T THINK I AM,’” as in, loved by God. Ouch, that one cut a little. And I thought I was doing pretty good. I don’t think we will ever fully comprehend His love for us until we are resting peacefully in His arms, but this statement opened my eyes to see how superficially I have allowed Him to love me…fully. Or perhaps it would be better to say that I have only accepted His love towards the qualities in me that have been revealed, either as successes or failures...past and present. The profundity of His sacrifice is so far beyond my depth of knowledge as human, I can only relate it to the love that I know. Having lived in such fear I am learning that there is much more yet to be discovered, and perhaps surrendering the “Me” that is to come won’t be such a feat once I can understand how deeply he already loves her too.
I’m not expecting immediate change (been there, done that! Ha.) but maybe now that I see how “feeling the fear” is the choice that I need to make towards accepting the love that He is trying to pour out onto me, I can at least convince myself that I would be foolish not to…because in the end, His Love is all I will ever need. As a woman, (and until you are one, I don't think you could ever get it), and a woman with an INFP (Meyers and Briggs Introverted-Intuition-Feeling-Perception personality model), it has been a challenge not to let my emotions dictate my actions; but I have to say, it's getting much easier. =]
3 comments:
Just wanted to let you know I stop by every now and then and read your blog. And every time I do, I'm so thankful I did. It is such an encouragement! Emily
there you are! so nice to have you back :)
continually seeking, continually growing, continually failing, continually growing some more... isn't that all of us in our very different ways?!? if i've learned anything through my own journey, it is that as i am continually changing and growing as god changes and grows me, i also need to be careful to enjoy myself at the stage i am in and not always be wanting to be something more than who i am. make sense? i think god pointed this out to me years ago when i was missing this notion in my parenting. i was completely missing out on enjoying her at the exact stage of life she was in... rather, i was always yearning for the tough parts of the stage to end and finding myself saying, "i can't wait until she (blah blah blah)..."
i now realize that if grasping the enjoyment (not just the enduring) of each and every stage of the journey can make my relationship with my kids so much richer, should it not also do the same for my personal journey with christ and with others??
summer's passed by so quickly and we've hardly seen the door of church! we truly and really should get together soon - i think i say that every time we see you and then life takes over and another few weeks come and go :P
let's follow through!!!!!! (crap - we're tied up until the end of august LOL) seriously. vacation next week and then company staying with us for the following week. first week of september??
Yes, I definately agree! Thank you for sharing a glimpse into your personal journey, one that I believe I may have a lot to learn from (if only we could get it together! =]). In relation, I have spent many days down, out, and simply frustrated with myself because I wasn't being the mom/wife/person that I have wanted to be, waiting for those days to come around, missing the life in front of me. I feel almost as though I have started from scratch in a road to knowing what I am capable of; and currently my journey is about wanting to know who I am, as opposed to wanting to be more then I am. As I am learning more about Him, I am also learning more about me. =] This person is coming alive in me, and it feels kind of like the true me is coming out of hiding...=$. And for the first time I am capable of enjoying these qualities in me that I have fearfully squandered far too many years! As I am enjoying "myself", I can see how it affects family life/ relationships, now more equipped to enjoy them with greater genuine. Still with many changes awaiting, but prayerfully learning to take them in chewable bites. =]
Seriously though, starting to miss your company, warmth, wit and cookies! Hopefully, come Sept 1st, we'll be able to touch base again..in person. Thank you. =]
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