She Aint Got Rhythm

'Tis another morning home with the boys, and finally, my babe is back to somewhat sleeping after what seemed like a minor cold. You know that feeling, when there's nothing you can do but endure the pitiful tears? Poor guy. So happy to have him back. =]

I've been hearing about this book lately, and read the 1st chapter on-line, so after watching an interview with the author this week I thought I should give it a shot. You can find it here: One Thousand Gifts

Hubby called between meetings, so knowing that he will take any excuse to wander into a bookstore, I asked if he had some time. I love the guy -- he did it in 20 mins., and even said he put back the handful he found for himself. It's moments like these where I wish he had bought his own instead of mine. Amazing, this sacrificial love we receive.... Even in the trivial. Had I gone, I'd 'a been 2 hrs browsing, returning empty handed after acknowledging that I would indeed have to purchase the book at full retail price.

I'm only through the 2nd chapter so far, but it typically takes me half a year to finish a book--I start and stop so many times I'll have probably read it 3 times before I finish...and rarely do I ever finish anything, now that I mention it. ;] But, hopefully with my newly developing time management skills I will find my rhythm, a rhythm...any rhythm!

Although, I have to say -- even though it's been a "2 steps forward, 1 step back" kinda battle, I am beginning to feel liberated as I clear the corners of my home...slowly moving out items better served elsewhere. Still hard, letting go....

And as I work towards momentum, I see my priorities gradually evolve -- facebook gossip, traded for journaling, t.v. for reading, shopping for creating. And that's all fine and dandy, but it's not all about me... and this is where it's hardest, the letting go. As I struggle to reveal myself, I become imbalanced. Afraid to lose myself again, to lose all momentum in this journey of self-recovery.... Stuck in mom-pants, unable to enjoy nice things, just one mini-van lost in a sea of Caravans at the grocers.

But I have been blessed, and time is rushing...zooming! And for today, a choice to be made. A choice to accept my ink-stained furniture as markers of gratitude for the 2 little people who put them there. 2 little people who need me right now more then my desk ever will. And yes, I did just spill coffee on my chair.

Oh, irony.

But why does it have to be a choice, of me versus them? Why am I in constant turmoil over making right decisions, best decisions...for me, for my family...and are they not one in the same? Because. In the natural, it is all too much. I am incapable. I cannot do it. I seize control... I lose control. But God has me, "and God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us" (1 Jn 4:13)... and I am not controlled by my sinful nature, but by his Spirit. (Rom 8:9) His Spirit, my key to Love supernatural. Grace supernatural. Strength. Momentum. Rhythm.