Confessions of a Procreant

When my first born was 9mths old I had conceived baby #2. Exciting, and scary, as I'm sure you know. This pregnancy was filled with many lows, and uncontrollable emotions. Largely due to the fact that I couldn't handle my 4 year old puppy, and in making the decision to give him to another loving family I was burdened with inadequacies, questioning my abilities to handle a person... and getting out of bed was a struggle. When my little boy turned 2, I started to get a taste of wholeness, feeling my hormones start to balance out, hopeful for opportunities to explore my creativity. And after a few short months of painting again, I received the wonderful news of baby #3! Again, exciting and scary all rolled into one.

But sadly, again my hormones shot out of balance, and as I looked to the future I became filled with doubt and insecurity yet again...half a person, wanting to hide under the covers. And that is what I did. After he was born, Hubby rented me a cute little studio in a neglected downtown warehouse. So awesome, and a new step in my journey as I attempted to explore the artist in me! Yet, I found myself still very tired, and unmotivated to use the space after only a few weeks of painting again. And here enters baby #4. =] God's obscure timing with yet another beautiful gift! (Please understand that each and every one of these babies has been received with the greatest joy and love! We chose not to "plan" our family, because we knew God's plan was better than anything we could imagine. And although I did not always feel "ready", with each fear, we knew we would have to rely on God as our source of strength. )

I have always been blessed with healthy, low risk pregnancies, and although many women experience physical symptoms of nausea, I rarely did. Rather, I was beginning to pick up on a pattern of emotional and mental symptoms as I found myself again fighting a deeply saddened spirit. I was too tired to play with my older kids (enter Super Daddy...), too exhausted to cook and clean (...and Super Hubby!), and too sad to talk about it. Because I just had a baby, I was beginning to forget that the crazy, sad, manic, unmotivated and tired person I woke up as every morning was not who I really am.

If you consider the extraordinary work a woman’s body has to go through in the development of another little person, you may find yourself overwhelmed with the miracle of it all…and definitely understand why pregnancy is so taxing. I've spent the last 5 years of my life feeling like half of a person, wondering why I could never measure up to my own expectations. In the moments that I could focus on the science behind my physical lack, I found myself hopeful for the future of my family, and excited for the upcoming challenges that I could tackle as a mother of 4…but mostly I would just forget that there was another half of myself to be found at the end of the pregnancy, and doubt my capacity.

And now she is here, and I am so thankful for the 9 months of sacrifice that it took to get her here, but I am also happy to rediscover myself as a non-pregnant woman. And even though I still struggle to find the energy to do everything I want to, I am excited to have some control over my body again, rather than being controlled by it.

2012 is an exciting year for me, as I close a chapter of my life, and find the strength to step into another. =] I still feel doubt creep up as I learn to manage my emotions and stretch into new levels of confidence, but I am filled with hope as I wake up each morning refreshed, free from the dread that used to keep me in bed….

Thank you, Lord for this new hope, and for reviving the beautiful woman you created out of this tired body. I thank you for the peace you have instilled in my spirit. Thank you for giving me new confidence, a healthy body, and the tools to restoring a healthy mind. I pray your peace into the lives of the many hurting, tired bodies that have suffered through the pain of depression. Restore their minds, and their souls! Grant them the strength to win the battle over their emotions. Comfort them with your warm embrace and fill them with your serenity, and hope! Clothe them in security and confidence, and renewed health! Give us courage to enter each new day with joy for our futures!! And may you fill our paths with encouraging, loving hearts to walk with us, that we never feel alone, or defeated again. In the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord, I pray your will upon each journey…. Faithfully Yours, Joy.