Content With Being Discontent

Aaaah! It's craft sale season, and I am getting so frustrated! I love craft sales, but just can't enjoy them like I used to. I remember craft tables filled with handknits by Granny, and jewellery made by her granddaughters...people with more hobbies then they had relatives to share them with! Craft sales were a means for them to deminish their stock, and support their habits for the long winter ahead!

With handcrafted wares being in such high demand these days, it is getting increasingly difficult to book a table in a craft sale; and the sales I have been to are all repeats of the last, filled with the same vendors, again and again. Not to mention, charging REDICULOUS amounts of money for what cost them peanuts to make, and not a lot of time to construct! That being said, I can totally understand why more and more people are turning their craft into thriving businesses. =]

And this is where I get frustrated! If "I can make that" (like I so often think I can), then why don't I??! As I stroll the isles, my heart aches for a niche in the "craft/art" industry (with a brand name and logo safely tucked away in my memory), only to come home completely uninspired, unmotivated, and scared.

Everywhere I turn, "original", "handcrafted", "locally made" pieces are being marketed, sold, and purchased; and at-home, self-taught, confident, striving women are sitting at their desks doing what they love, supporting their hobbies, and enjoying some good gravy over-flow....

I need to do this, I want to do this...but how does one even begin? Whenever the issue comes up with my patiently loving hubby (with oodles of marketing experience--and that exact "know-how" I question), or anyone for that matter, it doesn't take me long to answer with a very logical excuse...and I'm only frustrating myself doing so.

I find myself so overwhelmed with the amount of talent out there. The competition is freightening. It's the real world, and there is no room for coasting. I have only known "coasting", but it is at this point that I am finally becoming discontent with it. Thank you, Jesus! I have dreams (which may not necessarily include craft sales), and God wants me to live them. He gave them to me, and is bringing me that much closer to realizing them.

I certainly don't see myself marketing my skills anytime soon, but I think I am able to find contentment in this phase of growing discontent. =] Wha'...explain that one?! As I grow discontent with coasting, observing, and not-doing, God is preparing me with the heart, drive, and ambition that is needed to survive in this creative world. This world which he has filled with individual, one-of-a-kind talents, and I can be happy with that. He created us all, and if "they" can do it, then why can't I?

So in the meantime, I think I'd like to beging with the incredible canvas I brought home today!

Acceptance...Again and again.

If I have such a hard time accepting my OWN differences, how can I claim to be so truly accepting of others'...?

Something I've recently been trying to process; but with this flu my brain is instead clouded with mucus. ...any thoughts?

UPDATE: In reply to HappyGirl02.
Yes, I believe I have watched that episode before...but it's always good to hear those things over again for it to really sink in. I like to believe I'm getting there, but obviously still have a few things I need to let go of....

When I posted the comment I was thinking more on the "judgment" side of it, as opposed to the "self-worth"...as in, am I being judgmental? In feeling ashamed about certain aspects/decisions in my life, does this also imply that I am ashamed for other's in the same place? I really don't think so. Or, why is it so hard for me to be free with myself? ...Because I feel there is an expectation/standard I need to live by...and if I were to truly believe this, then surely I would apply it to others, and the way they live? But I DON'T believe this!! Okay, so I feel like I'm going in circles now, 'cause I know I've been over this before, but I suppose that's how Satan likes to weave his lies, stealing us of our joy. Two steps forward. One step back....

So, I don't believe I hold other's to standards/expectations, and I don't believe I am to live my life by expectation; but I have to admit, these hurdles keep repeating themselves in new situations as I keep finding new standards that I don’t quite fit into.... But the reminders are showing up quicker and the lies seem more ridiculous, which must be a sign of progress, right?

I've come a long ways, but I'm certainly not there. The part that is bothering me in all this, is that my freedom was bought and paid for. It's mine--at the front door--waiting to be ripped into, grasped, and appreciated! Why is this, the most precious gift I am to ever receive, the hardest one to open..?!! Generally, when we know it's a good one, we don't bother to peel away the layers, but dig our nails into the packaging, and with 1 vicious strike, the wrapping is discarded, and we're screeching in joy over the "totally awesome!" gift inside. Not this one, though. Nope. It's like unwrapping the soccer ball from your brother, under layers upon layers of duct tape--only to find out it's not a soccer ball at all, but underneath all the layers is a tiny, monogrammed ring—more precious then any soccer ball, but much harder to get into!

But then again, I imagine mom standing over me with a pair of kitchen scissors, pleading with me to be done with it...let Christmas go on! But I can't do that...no. I must prove something. I must prove that I can "do it myself!"

Why can't I just open it, and let life go on?!

Because apparently I must prove to the world that I am human, and faulty, and independent; and that I am easily distracted by what’s not important, and completely insufficient at doing it myself. I have to laugh at this! Definitely not what I set out to prove; but I am human, and all these things…. I most definitely need to reach outside of myself, and this realm to rise above these fallacies, and I just proved it. I prove it again and again. And, therefore, I just proved HIM. =]

I Thank You, Lord...

*For those 2 beautiful children that are sleeping, and NOT crying, in their perfect, free beds which are so obviously a gift from you!

*That my children have partially decorated rooms to sleep in, messy with oodles of toys, and filled with your presence.

*For our home that only feels cramped because we have an excess of "things" that we have become too attached to, or too lazy to pass on to someone else in need...

*That my floors are flooded in dog fur; reminding me of the loyal companion who lays at my feet, expecting nothing more of me then what I have to offer.

*For the gift to be able to design a room and make it my own based around treasured furniture salvaged from another's trash!

*That we have a vehicle we love, yet can freely share with others because it is more reliable then theirs!

*For this marriage based on a foundation of trust.

*That my daughter is in a phase of ONLY wanting mommy to put her to bed; and that she wants nothing more then for me to read her stories and sing to her.

*That we haven't needed to run our air conditioning this year, saving us one more expense.

*For the gift of this laptop, and the ability to play on it.

*For a best friend who values my time and my gifts, and encourages me to use them joyfully.

*For hubby's career flexibility which allows for prioritized family time.

*For every experience, good or bad, that has shaped me into the woman I am today; the memories shared, and lessons learned.

*For every person who has ever thought of me...and those who have enough so, to go out of their way to put a smile on my face, and hope in my path...

*For love... selflessness... grace... freedom... life... beauty... relationship... joy... and so much more...

I give thanks.

Transparent.

My journey has led me to a point of self-exposure, and as much as I invite the vulnerability, lately I have found myself struggling with the follow-through! My eyes are being opened to see just the kind of person my friends and family see in front of them, and no wonder these relationships are strained. I am choosing to make changes in the way I live and, with much hope, would like to reconstruct these relationships as the woman I know that I am, and maybe find new ones on the way. I believe that in living a life of transparency the Spirit within me will be allowed to shine as I tear away at my self-constructed walls of shame, fear, inadequacy, and regret…. I have been offered an incredible gift, and with it the freedom of knowing that I am loved with purpose. Having accepted this gift, I must accept my responsibility in nurturing it to it's utmost potential. I have squanderred it, stifling it's maturity. But it has become my desire to share it with you; so that together we may find joy in the beauty of life. This is my painting, and this is where I am at. It's just a beginning, but I am already amazed by the possibilities....

Summa~ Borscht!

What an incredible summer it's been...filled with several park visits, picnics, thunderstorms, a few birthday parties, wading pools, special visitors (of the sister variety!), and a trip to SK...! Take these simple ingredients and throw them together, and you have yourself one yummy, heart-warming bowl of Zumma Borscht-y goodness! I've taken a gazillion pictures over the summer, so I think I might just post a few*...

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Slurpees and Ice Cream...summer staples!

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Puddles, parks and walks...but mostly puddles. =]

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...free zoo day.

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And my favorite:

...visiting family in SK. (didn't take nearly enough pictures, though.) =]

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(Beach or Bust!)

Ahhh, and of course, the September beach.....was awee-some!

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[* The term being relative]

Well, that was fun...thanks to the help of Picnik...and some time, of course. =]

Defeated Saturday to Hopeful Monday

Whewhee! What an odd week it’s been! I went from feeling defeated Saturday, to hopeful Monday; overwhelmed Tuesday, to accomplished Wednesday! If this relays anything to you, it is that I am an emotional woman! Look out! …Crazy hormones comin’ at ya!

On Saturday I was feeling defeated by my marriage, my daughter’s pee, and rent…(not in that order). But what’s really crazy is that by Monday I was covered in peace, as I had received resolve in these 3 simple answers: Communication, antibiotics, and generosity…(and again, not in that order)! I have to say, it’s pretty amazing to look back and see the answers unfold before me, just like that—“bingo, bango, bongo” (I remember that from a movie…I can't remember which one though.)!

Like all of those relationship books are telling us these days, men and women DO NOT communicate/ comprehend on the same level! And I get it! It’s usually not until one of us is ready to burst that we’ll actually sit down and talk about our feelings (both fearing the potential results of such confrontations), but once we do, we quickly learn that 80% of our issues are the result of stinky misunderstandings, and false interpretation! In my experiences, all 5 years of them, I have learned that with each great talk we have, we are improving the quality of the next one…quantity not excluded! And after laying it out on the table, this week we were able to prevent “another brick in the wall” from being placed between us, and with each brick averted we have that much more energy to share together positively…hey, my hubby took 3 days off (missing sleep to make up for it!) for family beach trips—oh, he is good to me!

As for the pee issue, certainly the antibiotics aren’t going to solve my potty training issues (although, there are a lot of moms out there who would pay for such a fix on the black market!), and certainly no mom wants to hear that their daughter has a bladder infection…but honestly, I was facing a new level of frustration that I knew could have either been brought on by a recent adaptation of defiance and independence…or a physical incapacity that has only caused her to shut down in frustration…Hmm. But to hear that it is a mere, common and treatable bladder infection--I’ll take the bottle of Ammoxacillin, thank you, and it couldn’t have come at a better time!

And as for rent: well, it’s a little embarrassing to have to come out here and say that we’ve been bailed out…again. But I guess what I am feeling is that I need to put it out there and tell you that it does happen. Boy, does it happen and it’s okay that it does! It doesn’t feel good to be seen as someone who can’t handle the life responsibilities we may or may not have chosen (ie., raising 2 kids on one very inconsistent income), but as we find ourselves praying for a blessing, or a miracle (or whatsoever you choose to call it), we have grown to understand that others “have” because God has given, and there are some very special people out there who understand this very well, choosing to give what they may consider excess, or even belonging to God. And although many may not understand why we “have not”, or even begin to comprehend what it has taken us to get to where we are today; we know that it is only for a season, and when this season is outgrown we can in turn take everything that we have learned, earned, and received, and give it back to God with the freedom of knowing that we can get along just fine “without”! But for the interim, we would have to be pretty ignorant to look at all that we have, yet be so daring as to say that we are without.
My unanswered questions and sources of aggravation from the week prior had been put to rest…the pieces falling into place one after the other, almost immediately. And this excludes to mention our growing history of needs having been met before we could even see what the answers were…and yet we are taken care of. Without, we definitely are not!

Let's be friends...

Ah, relationships! We don’t need them…Oh, but yes we do! We all have voids in our hearts that can only be filled with relationship… We need it, we crave it, we feel incomplete when they’re not working out…we are designed for it, yet we can never figure it out. But, unfortunately, these relationships we work so hard at maintaining will always disappoint, fade, and bruise, leaving us guarded from ever becoming vulnerable to another human being again. I always found it frustrating and could never understand why I cared so much about what my friends thought of me; why I cried when they didn’t turn to me; or felt it was soooo important that my family understood my actions, like I had to justify my decisions to get their full approval before I could go ahead! Relationships can be very efficient tools in holding us back…especially if self-doubt has become a realm of comfort. As soon as we lose trust in ourselves, we look to those around us who have proven themselves trustworthy; sometimes losing our identities along the way, finding shelter in theirs.

The truth is, I was never very good at making/keeping friends…but if you’re reading this my guess is that you already know it firsthand! I’ve been over sensitive to my friends’ perceptions of me, reading waaay too much into nothing! I was looking to them for validation, and when I didn’t get it, it became easy to walk away…but in tears, because I needed them to see me!! But no wonder they couldn’t see me…I was hiding behind my giant safe wall of “This-Is-What-You-Need-Me-To-Be”! This is only one example (of many) in which I have put the onus onto others to feed me, left at the table empty plate in hand; scrounging through abandoned, dejected crumbs of self-worth.

Yet relationship is woven into us, we need it, and we can’t get away from it…even once we convince ourselves that we don’t, we feel abandoned and lonely…lost. Relationship is the core to our being, our joy, our Salvation. John 15:9-12, 14-17 says: “I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey me, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father and remain in his love. I have told you this so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! I command you to love each other in the same way that I love you. I no longer call you servants, because a master doesn’t confide in his servants. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me. You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce fruit that will last, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name. I command you to love each other.”

So here I am, knowing God for myself…comprehending a smidgen of his love for me, and building a relationship that I know will define me as “Joy, the One-and-Only; the Brilliant; the Oddly Humorous (Or so she thinks); the Irritable and Flatulent, Feline-resenting, Capable, Loved...Me”. Not finding value in the validation of others, but in the value God bestowed upon me as a fine piece of art…His art! “So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God—all because of what our Lord Jesus Christ has done for us in making us friends of God.” Romans 5: 10

But as I find comfort in my relationship with God, I struggle…to find balance in honoring these relationships that are difficult, tiresome, and at times, seemingly inconvenient…. Although I don’t believe that relationships are designed to fill us, I do know that God loves the people needed to have them! As am I asked to love them. He created us in his image…each and every one of us…yet we are all created unique with one-of-a-kind roles specific to his design. So does not each person reveal something about God’s character, heart, and creativity—each a gift of insight into his beautiful plan?? And as Romans 12 affirms: “We are all parts of his one body, and each of us has different work to do. And since we are all one body in Christ, we belong to each other, and each of us needs all the others.” (v. 5) “Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” (v. 10)

And here-after, the craving for relationship continues! But with a different heart, perhaps these relationships still hold hope of liberation, gratification, fulfillment, and growth…. Shaking our selfishness, while releasing those we encounter of responsibility, we are free to enjoy them for who they are… appreciating their gifts, complimentary to each other's weaknesses, and valuing them for their individuality…freeing them of a burden which may be holding them back from seeing God’s beautiful creation, and their role in it.

Feel the Love, and Do It Anyway

So, I have finally made the time to sit down and learn more about my Father who has made me. I have been craving a deeper knowledge for some time now, but am noticing that every time I try to still my soul long enough to meditate on the Word, I am oh-so conveniently pulled away… Just tonight, as I was sitting down, ready to open my Bible, in walks hubby…. Well, it’s been too long, and I’m not going to let another opportunity slip away…not sure I can make it through tomorrow without it.

Found myself in 1st John this evening, captured by the words in 1 John 4:16-18. "God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we are like Christ here in this world. Such love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of judgment, and this shows that his love has not been perfected in us."

Fear has been ruling my life since as long as I can remember, and although I have made leaps towards “finding my inner confidence”, lately I’ve been convicted, knowing that it is time to step my game up a notch…or 2.

Trying to “find” confidence has been a slow ride for me. About 5 years ago it was highly recommended that I read “Feel the Fear, and Do It Anyway”, maybe you’ve heard of it. But after many failed attempts at several of the ‘exercises’ required of me, I only became more discouraged that the book wasn’t providing the courage needed to take that initial plunge into the unknown…and in keeping with my usual character, I gave up.

Well, that was 5 years ago, and things are different now…. Or are they? Although I haven’t made much time lately to dig into the word myself, I have been trying to fill my daily background with teachings from those who know it rather well. And so it seems everyone has something to say about fear, which, ironically, is something along the lines of “feel the fear, and do it anyway”…haha. Jokes on me! So, what..?! I’ve wasted 5 years waiting for a “feeling”..? A feeling which is only the result of the action!! Thinking back, I have been told repeatedly by friends and family that I “just need to do it”. “Just do it”, “Don’t think about it” they say, as if they know how difficult this is for me! Seriously, maybe they should have just bought me a pair of Nikes, and we’d be done with it…or maybe, 5 years ago I didn’t understand just exactly how that worked into God’s design for me.

I finally started to connect the dots a few years ago, leading up to my baptism, but now I am finally beginning to take it to the next level. It is so obvious, I find myself embarrassed to admit it has taken so long. =] Joyce Meyer caught my attention with her words: “If you say ‘I don’t think I can’, what you’re really saying is ‘I DON’T THINK I AM,’” as in, loved by God. Ouch, that one cut a little. And I thought I was doing pretty good. I don’t think we will ever fully comprehend His love for us until we are resting peacefully in His arms, but this statement opened my eyes to see how superficially I have allowed Him to love me…fully. Or perhaps it would be better to say that I have only accepted His love towards the qualities in me that have been revealed, either as successes or failures...past and present. The profundity of His sacrifice is so far beyond my depth of knowledge as human, I can only relate it to the love that I know. Having lived in such fear I am learning that there is much more yet to be discovered, and perhaps surrendering the “Me” that is to come won’t be such a feat once I can understand how deeply he already loves her too.

I’m not expecting immediate change (been there, done that! Ha.) but maybe now that I see how “feeling the fear” is the choice that I need to make towards accepting the love that He is trying to pour out onto me, I can at least convince myself that I would be foolish not to…because in the end, His Love is all I will ever need. As a woman, (and until you are one, I don't think you could ever get it), and a woman with an INFP (Meyers and Briggs Introverted-Intuition-Feeling-Perception personality model), it has been a challenge not to let my emotions dictate my actions; but I have to say, it's getting much easier. =]

Patience

So, after a great evening of tasty potluck and good company I lay awake, reaping the after effects of my dinner (note: I firmly stand behind the Try A Little Bit of Everything rule!). I gots to thinking, and so I says…

Shortly after my daughter was born, about 3 years now, my prayer has been for patience. I have always been informed that patience is required in successful child-rearing, and knowing that I didn’t have any I knew I needed to acquire it from an outside source—One with plenty of patience to spare! So I asked God for it. If only I knew then...!

Having worked our way through weaning, sleepless nights, and several attempts at potty training, I can look back in amazement at how we actually made it this far, because I certainly didn’t show patience where it counted! On the other hand, the kiddos have been VERY patient with me, which is surely a sign that the Father is working in my other prayer—Protect them from my mistakes!

As far as patience, well, I guess before I can practice that kind of calm patience on my family that I so desire, it only makes sense that I first find it in my relationship with God; being Love, and the giver of all life ‘n such…who do I think I am, trying to take a shortcut?! Ha!

No, instead my eyes are opened to seeing my life as one giant opportunity after another…finding patience in a much deeper place as each day becomes a choice between trusting God in his will, or giving up on him and trying to muster something out of nothing. ...Trusting God that he will get me through the day on that tiny little multi-vitamin! …That my kids grow in confidence…That the business will survive the year…And that I will have my very own garden someday…! I know I can’t do it, yet I continue playing the fool! And the results: guilt, shame, failure. Hindsight tells me that it’s hardly worth it; enter patience with myself, which any woman knows is a battle in itself...!

I can only hope that I am making the most of my circumstances, taking one day at a time. I will get there someday if I continue to trust in God, understanding that it is only through his strength that I have a chance of being the woman I hope to be.

“My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.” –Man, this verse keeps coming up lately…I wonder if it’s trying to tell me something?! Remembering it in a timely fashion though, that’s where it tends to get tricky! =]

Mustard Seed Faith

"Then the officer said, 'Lord, I am not worthy to have you come into my home. Just say the word from where you are, and my servant will be healed! I know, because I am under the authority of my superior officers and I have authority over my soldiers. I only need to say, 'Go,' and they go, or 'Come,' and they come. And if I say to my slaves, 'Do this or that,' they do it." When Jesus heard this, he was amazed. Turning to the crowd, he said,” I tell you the truth, I haven't seen faith like this in all the land of Israel!" Matthew 8:8-10

Reading this, along with "The Shack", has brought me to ponder the depths of my own faith. I can think back to situations when I was certain of God's provision, yet still found myself almost surprised that my hopes came to fruition... And now I find my prayers followed with "…but if that is not your will…" This doesn't sit well with me. Hope and Faith seem to go hand-in-hand, but hindsight has opened my eyes to areas where I may have far too easily compensated one for the other.

Killing some time this afternoon we ended up driving along riverfront properties, gawking at some of our dream homes (always a favorite pastime), but after some time I found myself getting irritated that we were wasting our time dreaming about homes we could never own…the pessimist in me, when Hubby said something that made me stop and think… “God will give us our dream home someday.” The confidence with which he spoke amazed me. I have been blessed with a huge opportunity to learn patience (...it’s too late, I can’t take those prayers back!), but have instead allowed myself to become discouraged, robbing myself of the gift of confidence given me through Jesus…the confidence in him to move mountains! If this feat requires faith the size of a mustard seed (Matthew 17:20), then how does my faith measure up…?

Making a moment

Trying to find a moment of solace this morning, I took to playing some worship music over the kids’ cd playing across the room. As I sat in my computer chair, overwhelmed by the amount of attention that I was unable to give, I seriously started to question where I was ever supposed to find a moment to “be still” ….

Looking over at some point during animated play, Baby Girl found me in my chair crying. Her initial reaction is to whimper on over to me, producing what is her version of empathy… “I’m cwying..”. As she encourages me to call daddy, because that will help me stop crying, I can’t help but smile. Her innocence during these moments reveals so much of what I am only trying to retrain myself now. When life is confusing…talk to your daddy. Period. Yes, she was referring to her calm, comforting, huggable daddy, but this is exactly the kind of relationship God wants with us when we are asked to call him Father.

The answer comes so obviously from a 3 year old who has all the faith in her daddy, and even though I am always learning new depths of what it means to have faith, with all the distractions I invite into my life I am in constant need of this daily reminder…surrender to God even the simplest of things, for it is most often in the little things that Satan sneaks through our defenses, given opportunity to tear us down before we even know he’s awake this morning. To do anything in my own strength will only lead to exhaustion, frustration, and disappointment…. A reality I have faced on a far too regular basis.

Now, if only I could follow through on my desire to get up before the kids in the a.m., making room for these moments before I am left griping that I can’t find 10 minutes in the day… Enough excuses, it’s time to prioritize.

A mindful distraction

Like everything else it seems, I have percrastinated jumping onto the 'blogging' bandwagon, as I have been interested in the idea for quite some time. I have found many ways to waste my time on the computer, none of them productive, but journaling is one thing that I have grown to enjoy, although I don't make much time for it these days...I guess I'm too busy facebooking. Writing it down helps me process, so my goal for this blog is to redirect my time spent on the computer, turning it into something a little more positive then another solitaire win. I have grown weary of these mindless distractions, and am ready to take my blessings more seriously...so let's start with baby steps, shall we!